choice.

wow. It's been a long while since I spent any time on this little blog. I stated quite clearly in my last post that I'd be stopping by sporadically, so I guess in my dictionary "sporadic" means: every 7 months.
Not much has happened since April, you know, just finished moving into the house, had a baby, enjoyed maternity leave (but was highly disappointed that Bethenny's talk show was not aired in San Diego), watched a lot of Olympics (I never really got to watch weightlifting though, and that's one of my fav events. oh well... in 4 years), went back to work and all the while have been falling madly in love with my little nugget Colt. And then yesterday a new president was elected. And today is my husband's birthday. So, you see - not much at all.

I'm not really sure why I decided to start writing again today. I think maybe it's because I've been feeling a little out of control. And control is one of those things I like to have a firm grasp on.
I've been struggling the last week or so with some personal and family issues, so that's left me a little down (ok, a lot. it's stuff I obsess over. but just a little bit).
Colton, who was an AMAZING sleeper as a wee babe has decided that sleeping longer than 3 to 4 hours is no longer en vogue and is making our nights a little hellish. This has led me to try to read up on "sleep schedules" and "sleep training" and wowza, it's basically rocket science. But harder.
And then enter: election day and election night and the day after and the week after and the 4 years after and, and, and.... It makes me feel like I'm drowning. There is negativity everywhere I look. Negativity even in the celebrations because people always feel the need to put someone else down in order to feel lifted up. It's depressing. And trust me - I don't need help feeling negative or depressed. I've mastered those two things quite well all on my own.

Today I had a make a choice. A choice to rise above all those things. A choice to put myself in control. As much as I'd like to, there are many, many things I can't control. I can't control others and their actions. I apparently can't control how well my baby sleeps (even though supposedly I should be able to). I can't control who the rest of the country chooses to be the President. But I am in control of myself and my choices. And today I choose to celebrate.
I choose to celebrate my amazing husband and the day of his birth and how hard he works and how much he does for our family. I celebrate the fact that the cutest little man in all the land is sitting on my lap right now and I get to spend all day, every day with this smiling, babbling, bundle of pure joy. And I celebrate the fact that I believe in a God who is in control of all the other things I can't, so I never really have to worry.

You have a choice to make today too - What will it be?

miss me?

I'm sure that all of you readers have been anxiously awaiting my return. And by all of you I mean all 3 of you and by anxious I mean that you probably gave up on this little blog. It's cool, I almost did too. But here I am, although, let me warn you ahead of time that I don't have anything groundbreaking to share.

The last two weeks have been incredibly busy, which is part of the reason for my lack of writing. I mean, I was two weeks behind on Bethenny!!! You know things were crazy...

Easter weekend was filled with showering the babe and celebrating the Risen Christ with family and friends. Then, it was time to get down to business with the packing of our house. NOT a fun task. Moving is the. worst. Seriously. Even though I knew we were going to a new, better house that we OWN and how exciting is that, I still dreaded the process. But with the help of my mom and linds, I got it done. Only by the grace of God...

Last weekend was only a little, tiny bit crazy. We had a lock-in ALL night on Friday night at church that both the hub and myself chaperoned, Saturday we finished packing and cleaned the new house to get ready for move-in, and Sunday the movers came, the hub had a fantasy draft, and I had work. Totally chill. By Sunday evening I honestly thought my feet would fall off, and the belly was not my favorite accessory. Not at all. But we all survived and now we're in the new house! yay! It's currently a disaster, but we're in it none the less. Success.

I'm trying not to be too crazy about the whole process, but we all know that crazy is what comes naturally. I just want everything to be done. Right now. Right NOW. Ugh. Patience is not my forte. But I'm working on it. I'm learning. It took me 3 tries to buy the right curtains for our bedroom - 3 tries! I'm not a very good homemaker just yet. But we finally have curtains on the windows and that is a victory. And I'll take it.

I'll be around this little blog sporadically for a while during the rest of the move in process. If you miss me terrrrribly... let me know. I'll see what I can do for you.

mini miracle

Ok, I know I said I wasn't going to bore you with anymore stories about the house and the demo and the remodel, etc. etc., but I just have to tell you this story. Sometimes it is so perfectly clear that God is so good!!

As you probably already know, we have to replace the banister on our staircase. Originally, I thought this would be an easy job. Easy and not too expensive... I mean, it's just a little bit of wood, right? Slap that sucker on the stairs and call it a day. Boy was I wrong. Just google "stair anatomy" and you'll see how complicated they are!! geeezzzz. I started getting quotes from different people: a stair company and then an independent woodworker. Both were ridiculously expensive, said they couldn't do exactly what I wanted, and made me feel crazy for even trying to put in a new banister without building a whole new staircase fancy enough to please the Queen of England.

Yesterday I was stuck. I didn't know what to do. We reallllly didn't want to spend that much money on the stairs, but I didn't know what other options we had! We certainly are not equipped to install a banister ourselves... I mean, I'm awesome at tile demo, but that's where it ends (oh, I'm pretty good at refinishing furniture too, but I guess I'm not supposed to be doing that kind of stuff right now... fumes? whatever).

I headed to the house yesterday evening feeling very defeated. While I was driving I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, and when I listened to the message, it was from one of the many stair companies I had contacted a week or so ago at the beginning of my search. I wasn't even sure that it was worth it to have someone come else and look at it - we already had two completely different people tell us that stair banisters cost an arm and a leg.

But something about the message, and the timing, struck me. The man seemed so nice on the voice mail, and something told me that he called when he did for a reason. I just had this feeling that God was sending me a sign. When I was ready to give up on the whole thing, I get this phone call I wasn't expecting. I decided to trust Him and call back.

Low and behold, Terry the stair genius came out to the house today, designed exactly what I wanted, and gave me a quote that was half of what the others quoted. MIRACLE! Honestly, I could not be happier. And I know that this truly is a gift from God. I probably never would have even called anyone else. I certainly wouldn't have ever called my man Terry. I am so thankful to God today for this small blessing! My mini stair miracle!

I know it may sound cheesy, and you may be skeptical, but I think that we need to take the time to recognize that the good things in life happen because of God. It's not luck, it's not coincidence, it's not karma or randomness, it's God and His amazing love for us. He really will help you through anything. But you have to trust Him, you have to look for Him, you have to ask Him.

Tonight is my favorite mass of the year - the mass of the Lord's Supper on Holy Thursday. At this mass we celebrate the last meal Jesus shared with his disciples and we remember that Jesus is still present with us in the bread and wine at every mass. What an amazing miracle!!! We are also reminded of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Can you even imagine, having the Son of God wash your feet??? Crazy! But Jesus was showing them how much he loved them, that he was here to serve them, and encouraged them to serve others. Such a great message for us all.

Happy Holy Thursday!!

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

so close, yet so far away

I have to admit, as this Lent winds down, I'm finding myself seriously strapped for topics to write about. I already feel like I've started to repeat myself, and that's just not cool. I'm sure you've already heard quite enough about the new house and the remodel issues, about my own craziness, and the other mundane details of my life that I share with you.

So where does that leave me? I'm really not sure. I had wanted to finish out this week strong, and even though there are only a few days left until Easter, it seems so far away. So. Far. Away. That's probably how Jesus felt in those days leading up to his crucifixion. Can you even imagine?? Knowing that you were going to have to endure this horrible, humiliating, painful death and having to just wait for it to happen? I bet he wished he could just fast forward to the end, don't you think?

It's interesting, I'm always caught between wanting to press the fast forward on life and wanting to hit pause. The upcoming weekend is going to be a very busy one, and just this morning I was thinking that I wished time would slow down just a little so that I would have the chance to get a couple of loads of laundry done (I still have two clean loads from last week that haven't been folded). Now, here I am, wishing I could fast forward through the rest of the week. Get it together, woman!! I've always been very fickle, what can I say?

Rather than wanting to slow down or speed up, I guess we need to all learn to just let things play out. To enjoy the moment. To take everything in and appreciate whatever is happening in your life right now. Of course, right now, I want to pull my hair out. I want the house to be done, I want Confirmation to be over, and I want to be able to fit into my regular jeans again and get my abs back. But focusing on the future is robbing me of the present, and I'm not taking any time to enjoy the things that are happening right now.

Have you ever heard that song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins? It's a country song (don't hate... I love country music. They talk about God and morals and sappy stuff and they don't curse. I like to think it's God's music). Anyway, it kind of sums up what I'm trying to say. I think I'll try to get fancy and post a link. We'll see how that goes.

Wherever you're at in your life, whatever you're doing, wherever you're going, try to slow down and enjoy the ride a little bit more. Trust me, I know it's not easy. I suck at it. But I'm gonna try, even if I have to put that song on repeat for a little while. (Another good one is Darius Rucker's "It Won't Be Like This for Long") Enjoy this most holy of weeks. And if nothing else, be thankful for our Savior Jesus Christ who suffered and died for us so that we may have eternal life. That's pretty cool, and it makes life worth living. Along with all that Easter candy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBDN8yWyNYU&ob=av2n

See if that works for you!!!

baaa baa

Well good evening. I'm attempting to squeeze in a quick post before bible study starts in 20 minutes. My day has been fairly busy with Confirmation interviews, so I haven't had the chance until now to get a little writing time in. And with my luck, one of my students will show up early and barge into my office before I even have the chance to make a point. Not that I know what my point is going to be today. Geez, I'm a mess. Why does anyone read this again???

Tonight at bible study we are reading the Gospel of John Chapter 10 which talks about Jesus as the shepherd and his followers as the sheep. He explains that the sheep know the voice of their shepherd, so they won't follow any thieves or impostors. If only life were that easy, right? If every time we were tempted by another voice we would just automatically know - Well, that's not Jesus. Better stay put. But it's not always so easy.

But maybe that is just because we are never really listening. Or maybe we haven't allowed ourselves to know Jesus well enough to be able to recognize his voice. He is there, guiding us, protecting us, calling to us to follow Him, but sometimes we just don't listen. Or maybe, we are not being good sheep. Maybe we don't want to follow our shepherd; we want to blaze our own path. But if we go off on our own, it's likely we'll get eaten by a wolf. And nobody wants that, right?

I don't think I've allowed myself to be a very good sheep. I think sometimes I feel like the shepherd... trying to corral hundreds of teenagers and get them to recognize my voice. It's hard to follow when you spend all of your time leading. And let me tell you, leading can be very exhausting. I think that I need to put my trust in God and know what HE will lead the teens where they need to go. I can best serve them by being a good sheep, not a shepherd. If they see me following Jesus, then hopefully they will follow. I don't want to be a leader that is teaching them to blaze their own path right into the mouth of a hungry wolf.

So I'm going to work on being a really good sheep. It sounds kind of nice... grazing in a pasture, chewing on some grass, enjoying the sun, and not worrying about scary wolves. The weather right now is perfect for being a good sheep.... do you think they can hang out at the beach?? Today, remember to be thankful for our Shepherd, and enjoy your pasture. (my goodness... this is getting far too cheesy... time for me to sign off... plus, the first teen just barged into my office!)

demolition

Hey friends, sorry that it's been a few days. The closer we get to the end of Lent the worse I am about updating. I have to say, I'm pretty excited that Easter is in less than a week. Not sure what the fate of this here blog will be, but I'm ready for a happier church season. Easter is my favorite mass and season of the church - it doesn't bear the stress of "the holidays" like Christmas does and it is truly a time of rejoicing. Plus, I can't wait for the hub to be able to eat sweets again so we can start going out for fro yo again.

I didn't exactly leave you all on the most positive of notes after the last post, now did I? My apologies. I am happy to report that there have not been any other breakdowns since then. I'm keeping it together, even though I still haven't had the chance to get my Bethenny fix in (i'm hoping for tomorrow night when the husband is at the Padre game. Weird... he doesn't like Bethenny. Guess he sees enough crazy living with me).

I got to take out lots of aggression this weekend while we started the demo projects at the new house. I learned that I am really talented at smashing tile. Plus, it's really fun. You just get to take a sledgehammer and beat the crap out of the floor; the tile breaks and the pieces fly satisfyingly across the room. If you need some tile destroyed, let me know. I am now for hire. On Saturday we ripped out the carpet (hallelujah!!), and then Sunday I went to work on the tile. I basically did almost the entire kitchen and entryway single-handedly. Told you I was good.

Unfortunately, once the tile was up, the job was far from over. There is a nasty layer of linoleum under the tile that is practically IMPOSSIBLE to take out. It involved chipping away very slowly with a hammer and a crowbar. 4 of us took turns on Sunday trying to get it to come up and it's still not done. Sigh. Nothing can ever just be easy, can it? Yesterday, I was feeling pretty great about the progress we had made. Then, today, I went to the house and was overcome with defeat. Looking at the linoleum, at the HUGE mess, the dust, the concrete, the unpainted walls, etc. etc. made me feel very overwhelmed. We still have lots of work ahead of us.

Life is always a challenge, as we always have more work to do. Sometimes, it feels like things have to get worse before they can get better. That's definitely the case with our house right now. It looks much, much worse than it did a few days ago, but when it's all done, I know it will look infinitely better than it did and that it will all be worth it.

As Easter approaches, I think we need to remind ourselves that WE are constantly a work in progress. We are never done growing, done learning, done changing. Sometimes we need to remodel ourselves: our souls, our behavior, our outlook. And it's never easy to change. Even if the first layer comes up easy, like the tile, often times we have something else hidden deeper that we need to address. Something that we've kept hidden for years that has become so deeply ingrained in us that is seems impossible to change. It may be fear, doubt, resentment, pain, bitterness, sadness, vanity, pride... I could go on and on. But whatever it is, it's ugly and it needs some updating.

Updating takes time. And hard work. And demolition and dust and sweat and tears. And patience. No matter how much it sucks, because it will, you need to remind yourself that sometimes things get worse before they get better. That if you can work a little harder for just a little longer, you will be SO happy with the results. In the end, it will all be worth it. The moment that we think we can no longer improve or have nothing to change is the moment we stop growing. We become outdated, lose our market value, and all of a sudden we are the house on the block that no one wants. Even though it isn't easy, it is something we are called to do. Remember to pray, ask Jesus for guidance, and ask for help from friends and family. It will all be worth it in the end, I promise.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself of that every time I step foot in the new house. Despite the dust and destruction, I know great things are to come. Until then, I'll keep chipping away at the floors and know that I am so blessed to have so many people to help us throughout the process. If you're feeling bored in the next couple weeks, come on over! The old, ugly linoleum is waiting for you!

breaking point

Well, totally had a nervous breakdown today. Everything with the house is making me ten times crazier than I usually am, and I'm pretty crazy on a normal day, so you can imagine that the level of crazy in my head right now is high. Very high. I met with a guy this morning about replacing the banister on our stairs. Not only is the current banister hideous, but the openings between the railings are almost 7 inches wide. Definitely big enough for a little tyke to climb right through and fall 12 ft. to the floor below (I don't know if it's 12 ft. or more or less.. but that seemed like a good guess. Either way - not safe).

You'd think a simple wooden railing wouldn't break the bank, right? Well, you would be wrong. It is mind-blowingly expensive. Everything about this house is mind-blowingly expensive. It's enough to make a girl cry. So, that's what I did. Got to work, locked myself in my office, and totally snapped. Hello, nervous breakdown, hello waterfall of tears. Ugh. Breakdowns of this type are extremely exhausting. Plus, you have to hide when people walk down the hall past your office so they can't see the mascara that's running down your face. It's rough, trust me.

In the big scheme of things, I know that my problems are stupid. Totally stupid. To quote my teens who post on facebook.. this definitely qualifies as a #firstworldproblem. But unfortunately, that doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me feel worse for being a spoiled, selfish, blessed in many ways girl who just wants some nice floors because carpet is a disgusting germ-breeding, dirt collecting pile of grossness.

I guess what I need to do is pray about it. Only, I can't really pray, "Dear God, please help me find some money so I can fix up my new house. Thanks." That's what I want to say, but I'm not going to. This is one of those situations where I really wish I didn't need any help. I've always been a hard worker, I've had a job since I was 16. I'm not a big spender by any means, but when I want something or need something, I'm usually able to buy it on my own. I prefer being independent that way.

Unfortunately, that's not how it works when you're married. And that's not how it works when you don't make very much money. You have to learn to become dependent on each other, how to share, how to make decisions together. And it's not always easy. But that's what love is all about - whether it's love between a husband and wife, brother and sister, parent and child, friend and friend... it's about compromise. It's about putting someone else before yourself. So that's what I need to pray for. To ask God to help me be better at loving others.

I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my breakdown, and I still don't feel great about any of this. I still hate carpet... hate, hate, hate carpet, but I'm trying to change my mind about it. Will you pray for me please? Also, if you know how to install a banister on a staircase, come on over! I'll feed you something delicious and pay you a fair price. Please just make sure the little man will not plummet to his death one day.

I'm sorry that I don't make much sense today. I told you, the crazy is at a dangerously high level right now. If you didn't believe me before, you probably do now. Luckily, tomorrow is my day off so I'm going to stay home, do laundry, and watch Bethenny Ever After, because as I've said before, she always makes me feel a little more sane. And that's why I love her.

And don't forget.. I love you.

phone woes

So I dropped my phone in a cup of water yesterday. I fished it out immediately, gave it a good shake, wrapped it in an obscene amount of paper towels, and hoped for the best. Sadly, none of those things worked. It seems it died on impact. RIP Motorola Driod, RIP. You were good to me.

The craziest part was the feeling I got when I knew I had NO form of communication on my person. I was out and about (meeting with a contractor... of course), so I had no iPad, no computer, no land line. Nothing. I'll admit - I started to panic a little bit. I was supposed to meet the hub, but I didn't know when or where, I was meeting with a strange man at an empty house, what if one of the other 7 different contractor types I've been coordinating with tried to call... what if, what if, what if???????

If you know me well, you will probably find this panic over the lack of phone especially funny. Because if you know me, you know I hate my phone. I hate talking on it, answering it, the sound of it ringing, the constant work emails that pop up on it... most of the time I prefer to be disconnected. My phone usually resides deep in the bottom of my purse, always on silent. I've never been know for being easy to get a hold of. And forget about listening to voice mail... I wait until there are at least 4 messages are piled up before even bothering to listen. I know, I'm awful.

So there I was, without a phone, and with a perfectly good reason. I should have felt bliss. But instead... panic. Why, why, why?? I drove immediately to the Verizon store and replaced it within an hour. When it comes down to it, I like the security of having a phone at my disposal, even if I don't always like to use it. I don't necessarily want people to be able to get in touch with me, but when I need to get in touch with someone, I'd like the opportunity and ease of a cell phone.

I think the same can be said of our relationship with God sometimes. We don't always want to talk to him. We don't want him to be able to get a hold of us, we don't want to listen to his voice mails, and we certainly don't take the time to call him up just to chat. We believe in Him, we love Him, we know He's good for us, and that he will save us from any situation, but most of the time, we leave him buried at the bottom of our purses (Murses for all you men-folk).

However, whenever we feel like He has abandoned us, when things don't go our way, when we don't get an immediate answer, we go into panic mode. I'll admit, it would be really cool if there were a God store that could replace our lost faith in 20 minutes or less. But there isn't. But we don't need one. Because... God never abandons us. We can always count on him to be there. It doesn't matter how deep you try to bury Him in your bag or drown Him in the old soda in your cup-holder... He won't leave you. There is no need to panic when it comes to our Savior and Redeemer. We are never separated from him.

For those of you who are obsessed with your phones... maybe that's a good model of how your relationship with Jesus should be. Constantly checking in, answering calls, sending texts... if you spend a lot of time on your phone, try to make that your reminder that you should be spending that time with Jesus. Download a bible verse app, start a mini-prayer journal in Note Pad, listen to a worship station on Pandora, bookmark a blog (wink, wink)... whatever it takes.

If you're more like me and would rather ignore your phone, then let it be a reminder to never ignore Jesus. If it rings and you don't answer it, take the time you would have spent on the phone to say a little prayer. Or, ask God for the patience to help you endure those annoying phone calls and emails. Every time you have to dig it out of your bag, pocket, purse, etc., remind yourself to never bury your relationship with Jesus. And find peace in knowing that even if you lose your phone, you will never, ever lose Him.

Wish me luck as I try to figure out this new contraption. I finally caved and have become an iPhone owner. It better live up to the hype. When I put my old Droid on the counter at the Verizon store the sales guy looked at me like I was a grandma and said "wow, looks like you've still got our very first version of the Droid...." Yea, buddy. That phone lasted me a long time... would have been longer if I wasn't so clumsy. I have serious phone loyalty. Good thing I have some pretty serious Jesus loyalty as well... and He lasts forever!

spinning

I am for sure having one of those days where my brain is going in 57 different directions. For real. 57.. maybe even more. Oy. Let's see if I can come up with a cohesive thought today. Wish me luck.

So, we bought a house. And when I say "we" I really mean "I'm a very lucky girl," because let's face it, the hub is the real bread winner in this family. I helped by signing my name on lots of papers. Lots and lots. Now I'm helping by trying to pick things out and coordinating contractors, electricians, handymen, painters, carpenters, circus freaks, etc. etc. It's enough to make a girl crazy.

This whole "owning a home" thing is no joke. There is a lot to be done. I'm learning through this process of mini-remodeling that we truly are all different parts of the same body (Romans 12: 4-8). Each contractor has a different specialty within the whole home repair umbrella. You can't just call up some dude and have him fix everything... there is a different dude for each different thing (and if there are some ladies out there in contracting... more power to ya. I've only talked to dudes to far). Today I am really wishing that God created someone who could basically build a house by himself with his bare hands. If you know of such person, please send me his number.

I guess when it comes down to it, I would rather have 6 different people working on the house that are REALLY good at what they do, then one guy who is kinda good at a bunch of different things. (but seriously, if you know of a superhuman contractor, I want his info.) God created each of us to be unique and different and to have our own special talents. He doesn't ask us to build his kingdom all alone with our bare hands. That's nearly impossible. He calls us to work together with others in the Body of Christ.

I am finding this especially true in my ministry right now. I can't lie to you - I'm a little burned out and I've been feeling totally uninspired lately. If I don't have any fire, how can I expect to pass that fire on to my teens? But with a babe in the belly, crazy hormones in the head, and a house on the brain, I'm struggling. Struggling hard. Which is why I'm thankful for my CoreTeam and my dear friends and volunteers who are such an integral part of this ministry. Without them, I would fail miserably.

To all my catechists, retreat leaders, adult chaperones, CoreTeam members, volunteers, etc. etc. - please accept my most sincere thanks for all you do. YOU are the heart of this ministry. You are helping to build God's kingdom on earth. I'm just the crazy lady sitting at the desk trying to organize it all. Thank you for your enthusiasm, your positivity, your grace, and your faith. You can always make me smile even when I feel like crying. Please don't ever forget how special you are, and always cherish the talents that God has given you. I love you all.

My head is still spinning. I hope I made a little bit of sense today. Tomorrow I'm meeting with a bunch of different people at the house so that I can try to organize all of their various talents and get the repairs done in a timely manner so we can move in soon. Wish me luck. I hope I can at least act like I know what I'm talking about instead of looking like the dumb blonde who doesn't know what drywall is. (Today I googled "anatomy of stairs." We have to have part of the staircase redone and I wanted to know what I was talking about. Who knew there were so many different parts to a staircase????)

Alright, the babe is kicking me in the ribs. I think he's hungry. Either that or his talent is being a ninja.

marathon

It's late. Clearly I didn't get around to writing early today. My plan was to write when we got back the room after pool time, but then I got talked into going for a walk with my mom and sis. I figured it would be a good idea... And at least allow me to eat more at dinner guilt free.

So off we went. For those of you who don't know my mom and sister, they are total work-out-aholics. I should have known what I was getting myself into. Halfway through the walk I was tired, it was incredibly hot, and I basically wanted to die. But we were far, far away from the hotel, and the only way to get back was to trudge on. So I trudged all the way back.

I have to admit, some days that's how i feel about writing. I made this commitment to walk this path all the way through Lent, but sometimes I get tired. I just want to stop and sit down, take a rest. Or really, call a cab and have them drive me to the finish line.

But the only way to get there is to trudge forward. Life often feels like that, doesn't it? But I'm here to tell you: you can do it! I'm cheering you on, as long as you cheer for me in return. I apologize for the uninspiring short posts lately. I've basically been sitting and resting for a bit, but sometimes you have to do that if you're going to make it to the end. At least that's what I tell myself. If you feel like you need a rest from life too... Take it. It's ok, really. Just don't quit, k? I promise I won't either. And when we all finally reach the finish line, there will be lots to celebrate.

babe watch

Oh hey thereeee. I'm so happy to be sitting down to write in the afternoon today instead of in bed post 10pm. My brain works much better at this earlier time. It's also working better because I've been spending most of my day lounging somewhat mindlessly by the pool. I say somewhat because me and the littlest sis have been watching the middle sister's babe, and let me tell you, it ain't easy. She pretty much demands constant attention. Weird... Babies don't like to just lay out by the pool. It's all good though, my vampire skin began searing after 10 minutes in the sun. The cabana became my BFF. Kinda sad when the 7 month old can tan better than you... Oh well.

Taking care of a little one definitely requires you to put yourself second and them first. Even if they are being annoying, irrational, irritating, high maintenance, you have to suck it up and deal. There is no negotiating with a babe. This week at staff prayer we were discussing the idea of "dying" to yourself and your own selfish desires. Jesus reminds us in the gospel of John that unless a grain of wheat dies, it will never product fruit. Same goes for us humans... It is only when we put aside our own agend that we make room for God's will and the amazing things he has planned for us.

Some situations in life make it "easy" to die to yourself.. And by easy I mean you aren't given a choice. Such as in the case of parenting. Don't get me wrong... I know it ain't easy. Ever. But in a way, it's a given. You don't really have a choice. The question is, can we die to ourselves when we're not forced to? When someone's safety and survival doesn't depend on us?

What about when someone cuts you in line at the store or cuts you off on the freeway? I can tell you... My first thought is never to die to my own selfishness. What about when a friend needs you or asks you for a favor? Do you think of them first or yourself and your own busy life and agenda? How about at work? Are you willing to sacrifice your own time to help out another? How about when it comes to your relationship with Jesus? Do you put him first?? I certainly don't as much as I should... It's much easier to watch tv or spend some time fb stalking than pray, right? And how about in your family? Our families are always the ones we beat up on first. I do it, and you know you do too. Don't deny it.

I think that it's in these little things that we are truly called to die to ourselves. We can't pick and choose the times in our life when we want to be selfless and kind - it has to become a way of life. It's certainly not easy, but it is something that we are called to do. And let's face it: it usually feels pretty good to make someone else happy, so it's better for everyone in the long run. Jesus has amazing things planned for our lives, as long as we can die to our own agenda and live as He calls us to live.

I'm going to go back to hanging with the sisters and the babe. And when the little one gets crazy, I'm just going to smile and give her love. And when my sister makes annoying baby talk noises, I'm going to refrain from punching her even though it makes me cringe. And when someone steals our elevator, I'm going to happily give it up to them. Well.... At least I'm going to try.

Serenity

I'm going to Palm Desert tomorrow for a little vacation. I can't wait to lay around and do nothing. We're leaving ridiculously early in the am, which means that I need to get this belly to bed.

But before I go, I will leave you with the prayer I've been ruminating on for the past week or so. It's simple, it's popular, it's almost cliche, but it's a good one.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know this difference.

Tomorrow I promise a more in depth post which I will write while trying to get rid of my vampire complexion laying by the pool.

I'm back; I survived. In one piece. Thanks be to God.

I did come home with a weird rash on my face, bug bites all over my hands and arms (how do bugs even survive in freezing weather??? bizarre.), tired feet, a knot in my back and 6 loads of dirty laundry. But I came back happy and healthy and thankful. And that's all that really matters.

I will get around to giving you all a full retreat recap. Promise. But today has been crazy and it's late and I'm tired. If I hadn't already failed multiple times with this whole Lenten promise thing, I probably wouldn't even post at all. Just to be honest.

What I will tell you is this - if there is anything I learned this weekend, it's that I don't know everything, I can't control anything, and that's ok. There were so many things that happened this weekend that I couldn't have predicted, that I couldn't control, that I couldn't figure out. I had to ask for help, improvise, let it go, and let the Spirit move me. As you've come to know if you read this consistently, those are all things I'm not very good at. But I didn't have a choice, and you know what? It all turned out ok. I rolled with the punches. (well, most of the time)

Tonight at bible study we read John chapter 9 about the man born blind. Jesus reminds us that it is only when we are blind that we will be able to see the light. That the minute we think we know it all is the moment we become completely lost. I definitely lived that this weekend, without meaning to, or even really wanting to. But it was only because I couldn't be in control that I allowed God to take control. And, of course, He had it covered. Everything turned out okay - despite the rain, the snow, the mysterious bugs, and the crazy cooped up teens.

I can only hope that the weekend was memorable, enjoyable, spiritual and meaningful for the teens. I will never really know if it was or wasn't. But that's ok. The minute I think I have my ministry figured out is the moment it becomes completely lost. It's not my ministry anyway; it's His.

Jesus said to them, "If you were blind, you would have no sin; but since you say, 'We see,' your sin remains John 9:41

blahhh blah blah

I have nothing positive to say today - I just want to make sure you're all forewarned. I'm going to write anyway because, a.) I'll be on retreat all weekend so I'll be off the grid for a while, b.) the husband told me I should, and c.) I'm going to hope that the Spirit works through me and finds something meaningful to say. But I'm not making any promises - seriously.

I started off my day today by falling twice. First, on my walk with Parker Joe. We both got a little too excited when we got near the ducks by my house, we got tangled up, and splat... I end up on the ground. Don't worry - I didn't fall on the babe. Then, when I got home, I slipped in the shower and took a nice hard shower edge to the back of my leg. A nice bruise is forming already. I did not tell the husband about these falls, cause he gets a little worried about my clumsiness. I hope that alllll you loyal readers (all 4 of you) appreciate my putting this out there for you - I'm definitely going to get a frown from the hub when he reads this. You're welcome.

The day picked up after that - went to see one of my best friends win a special award, was really productive at work, had a good update from the doc (would have been better if she was right when she told me initially that I had lost weight... but she was just reading the number wrong. oh well), found some awesome buys at Big 5 (so random, but so great), and then met a friend's new little one. And then I was on my way to BJ's for some good grub and the sis' b-day. Good times, no?

Of course, the day ended more like it started. My dinner was interrupted a few times by church parents contacting me with last minute requests and exceptions - my mood took a serious nose dive from that point on and that is now where it resides. Plus, I ate way too much pizookie. Always delicious going down... never feels quite so great after. Bleh.

I find myself trying to gear up for the retreat I'm leading this weekend, but finding it especially hard this year. Lugging around another human being in my belly is not helping my cause. I went to confession yesterday to prepare my heart for the weekend, and I kid you not, I have already committed every single sin today that I confessed yesterday. Epic fail.

All I can do now is trust that God has a bigger plan for me this weekend than I have for myself. I know he is calling me to be on this retreat and lead 110 teens toward him, and even though I'm pretty sure he has the wrong girl, he's God, so he knows what he's doing. He certainly knows more than I do. This weekend, I just need to be a vessel for the Spirit and a messenger for God. I have to leave all of my own issues at the door and be His servant - even though I reallllllly don't feel like it. But maybe, those are the times that we earn even extra grace. When we don't want to, but we do it anyway - we do it for the glory of God.

We do the best we can, and that's what God wants from us. He can do the rest. And he will. This weekend, I'm going to ask him to work really hard. :) And I'm going to ask you all to pray for me, the retreat team, and all of the students on retreat. It would mean more than you know. I'll be back Monday with a full report for y'all.... I'm sure you'll be holding your breath.

Alright, me and my bad attitude are going to bed. I'm hoping to wake up with a spring in my step and a smile. I know... that doesn't even sound like me. Ok, I'll just hope for a smirk and an ability to walk without falling. I think we'll avoid the ducks tomorrow....

Another hole in the Lenten promise yesterday - sorry 'bout it. Now do you believe me that I suck at Lent?? The worst part is, there is now cold hard evidence of that fact on the Internet. And I have multiple people holding me accountable: "Did you blog today?" "Something has been missing the last few days..." "How come you didn't write today?" It's actually quite good to have other people holding you accountable and urging you to do better, but I have to be honest, sometimes it's a little irritating. I'd rather hide my failures so everything thinks I'm perfect... yea, right.

The fact is, it's very easy to hide your failures, your problems, your feelings, your worries, etc. if you don't have anyone supporting you and knowing where to look for those hidden "monsters" in your metaphorical closet. We often think that we need to be perfect, or at least appear that way to others. That asking for help makes us weak. Or, that we are better off doing things on our own.

That's my biggest problem. As a total perfectionist, borderline OCD kind of person, I would always rather do things myself. That way, I know that they're done the way I want them to be done. That sounds good, until I allow myself to be overwhelmed and then want to give up altogether. You know in job interviews when they ask you what your greatest weakness is? (I hate that question - it's the worst. Overall, job interviews suck.) Anyway, I always answer "I tend to live by: if you want something done right, you do it yourself." I'm not very good at delegating, and that is usually the death of me.

I also hate being managed. I am a bad manager, because I can't delegate, but I also hate being managed because I hate being accountable to someone else. I know, I'm a total lost cause. I'm sure you're thinking, "How do you even have a job??" I wonder that sometimes too. Luckily, the job I have now is pretty perfect - I don't really have to manage or be managed by anyone else. I get to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I live on my own little youth ministry island. If only I were truly surrounded by ocean and palm trees - although then I'd never get anything done.

Anyhow, I function just fine on my little island, until, of course, retreat time rolls around. Then I get hit by a tsunami. It never fails - I'm always convinced that I can swim my way back to the shore, without anyone's help. And I always end up needing help. Every time. It is in these moments that I have to give up control and ask for help. Let me be frank - I hate asking for help. But over the years I've learned that I NEED to ask for help, and that it makes my life better in the long run.

The one person we should always turn to first for help is our Lord. He already knows our hidden failures, worries, secrets, and problems anyway. But he will never force his help on us - He loves us too much. He waits for us to ask. And when we ask for his help, we also become accountable to him. He knocks on our hearts, whispers in our ears, and sends us little reminders when we slip and fall. Just like "Did you blog today??" God says: "Did you live like Jesus today? Did you help others? Were you kind? Loving? Merciful?" Instead of being "annoyed" by his whispers, we should feel blessed that He loves us enough to care. And no matter how many times we slip and fall, he loves us just the same.

Even when it gets a wee bit annoying, I am blessed that I have people in my life who hold me accountable. I see God in each and every one of them, and I know that they love me, and that's why they watch out for me. And I know that I can always ask them for help, and they will gladly give it. And, most of them know me well enough to know that if they're going to help, their work had better be darn near perfect. :) No one likes to upset the OCD monster in me...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

definitely having a cray day

Oy, today is totally one of those days. For real. I'm warning you now, there may be no redeeming quality to this post today. I am feeling totally and completely drained of any wisdom or positive thoughts.

First of all, I hate daylight savings. The whole concept is stupid to me - let's just stick with one time frame for the entire year, ok? It's the one thing Arizona has going for itself. Losing the hour of sleep completely throws me off - needless to say, I woke up very, very late today, thus messing up my whole schedule. Totally my fault, but still, not happy about it.

Then I got to work hoping to be super productive and finish all the retreat stuff I need to do before Friday. But that would have been too easy. Instead, I have parents coming in to drop off stuff for other events, teens coming to ask me non-retreat related questions, and general office nonsense (like an audit... could the timing be any better??) to deal with.

I was enjoying my lean cuisine lunch when I was "needed" up in the front office, so I begrudgingly left it behind to get cold while I went up to deal with something utterly unimportant. When I got back, I discovered that Parker Joe was concerned about it getting cold, so he just went ahead and ate it off my desk while it was still hot. Fantastic. Now I'm hungry. I've already told you what I'm like when I'm hungry - it's not pretty.

Needless to say, I've been especially cranky and crazy today. I really just want to hole up in a cave and not have to talk to or interact with anyone until Friday. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. On days like this, I have to try to remember to just take a deep breath and forge on. All in all, my problems are small compared to the rest of the world, even though they may feel huge. I think sometimes it's okay to be a little cray - God loves me anyway.

And, it's okay to ask for help. So today, I'm going to ask for your help. If you feel so inclined, say a little prayer for me this week. Prayers for peace and patience - that's what you need when you take 130 teenagers on retreat for an entire weekend. Pray I survive until Sunday and my hair hasn't turned gray. Pray that the cray doesn't come out and scare all the teenagers on retreat (even though that's fun sometimes). In turn, I will pray for all of you, and that you have a blessed week, and you remember that you are loved.

I am going to head to my happy place (Target!) in an attempt to turn this day around. I'll see y'all tomorrow with a big smile on my face - I'm planning to bring a back up lunch, just in case.

He's got the whole world in his hands

Hello friends. I am currently writing this in the car on the way to dinner. Ah, technology, and thank you, iPad. That being said, there are bound to be some mistakes that show up in this post - I ask for your forgiveness in advance. Thanks.

Last night I went with the hub, a friend, and a few teens to the Rock and Worship Roadshow. It's a big Christian concert that travels the country and this is the first year that they came to San Diego. The cool thing about it is that the tickets are only 10 bucks - cheaper then my lunch yesterday. There were like 8 different bands that performed, so it was a pretty slammin deal.

That being said, I was totally and completely dreading going. The attendance from the teens was next to nothing, it was Friday night, and I just wasn't all that interested, to be completely honest. The hub coerced me into going - and now, here on the mighty Internet, I have to say that he was right. I hate doing that. But there it is. Babe, thanks for making me go, it was a great show. (I hope I never have to do that again on the world wide web.)

One of the best parts about the show was the variety of bands and fans in attendance. Just in the seats next to us, there were teens, kids, moms, dads, and grandmas! And some of those moms were getting downnnn, if you know what I mean. The bands ranged from rock to punk to rap to irish to metal. You should have seen the cute grandma during the metal group's performance.. Fingers in her ears to try and block the screaming. It was intense. I think my ears began to bleed a little.

Despite the ear bleeding, it was so great to see the diversity in the arena, and it was a true representation of the Kingdom of God. He doesn't care how old we are, what we like look, how well we can sing, how many tattoos we have, or what kind of music we like - He loves us all the same. Each and every one of us.

The truly amazing thing is that he doesn't even care what we've done! And all of us have sinned... All of us. Don't think you haven't, or that your sins are better or worse than anyone else's. We are all imperfect, but yet, we are all unconditionally loved by the same God. He doesn't care where we've been, he just hopes that where we're going is toward Him. He longs for us, and longs to give us eternal life.

If you've ever felt like you're not close to God, or not good enough, or you don't understand, or are too damaged or broken, please remember that He loves you as much as He loved his only son, which is why he sent him to the cross to die for your sins. And He wants to welcome you into his kingdom. All are welcome! Find peace and rest in Him.

I hope that you are having a beautiful weekend and that you remember that you are loved. I love you and I love the fact that you make me feel loved by reading my crazy rants. And I know I'm gonna get some extra love from the hub when he reads my admission that he was right. As much as it pains me....

sunshine day

Today is a pretttty nice day in good 'ol San Diego. It is totally and completely sunny and warm, and there's even a bit of a breeze. But of course, as per usual, I have to be negative, and it's too hot. Too, too hot. I get sweaty and flustered and tired and yucky. Blech. Plus I don't have any shorts that fit. And I look like a vampire, because my skin hasn't seen the sun in a good 8 months. I'm sure people are blinded when I walk by.

The reason my skin hasn't seen sun in so long is because I'm usually freeeezing. I hate it when it's cold. So you'd think I would enjoy the heat. Not so much; that would be way too simple. There is a 5 degree temperature range that I find acceptable, and outside of that, I'm basically miserable. I know, it's ridiculous. And completely unrealistic.

As I reflect on this, I realize that most of us probably experience life this way. We have a small window in which we feel comfortable, and outside of that, it's easy to feel miserable. But staying inside that small window is unrealistic, because we are not always in control. Just like I can't control the weather, we can't control all of the different variables life throws at us. The hardest part is accepting that fact. I.am.not.in.control. Ooooh, that sentence literally makes my skin crawl. I thrive on control.

But alas, I can't control everything. I can only control myself and my reactions. And my wardrobe. So arm yourself with the right outfit and tackle the uncomfortable parts of life the best you can. Don't let yourself be miserable.

So this weekend, I'm going to embrace the heat and find my happy place. Get out your sunglasses, the vampire is coming out to play.

Falling... and getting up

So, no post yesterday. First official fail. Crap. I told you I was bad at Lent! I was on such a roll, and then it all came to a screeching halt. I could make lots of excuses about why I didn't post yesterday (I took a trip to Julian for work, taught my 5th grade CCD class of little monsters, etc. etc.), but the cold hard truth is that I basically forgot. I meant to do it when I got home last night, but instead I listened to my hunger and cooked and ate dinner. Then I could have done it after dinner, but I listened to my laziness and watched TV. Total failure.

The worst part about it is, it is even harder than usual to post today. I lost my momentum and my mind finds itself completely blank (or full of other useless thoughts that I'd rather not share - and you'd rather not hear). It felt easier to just accept defeat and give up altogether then to sit in front of this computer and try to find something meaningful to day.

Life feel like that sometimes - like it's easier to give up then to keep forging on. When I was a little girl and I fell and scraped my knee, or any other injury for that matter, I would just sit right where I was and cry. Wail, actually. I was kind of dramatic. The thought of getting up was just too painful. And then I knew my dad would want to pour hydrogen peroxide (a.k.a. torture solution) on it and get it all cleaned up. I just couldn't handle it. Laying in the middle of the street crying was a much, MUCH better idea. If I stayed there long enough, surely the wound would heal itself. And crying obviously makes everything better, right? Well, until you get hit by a car cause you're laying in the middle of the road. oops.

The fact is, we have to get up, dust off, pour on some hydrogen peroxide, and move on. It's the only way that we will truly heal. It often feels like a huge obstacle, something we can't handle. But if we lay there and cry, we will just continue to lay there and cry. Nothing will get better. Nothing will change, nothing will improve, nothing will heal. But we have to remind ourselves of that fact every now and again. Falling down sucks - and the truth is, sometimes getting up sucks even more. But after you get up, everything gets better. You might get a sweet band-aid, a kiss and a hug, or a popsicle to make yourself feel better. And before you know it, you're good as new.

And remember, we all fall down. Every single one of us. And we need to help each other get up. If you have a friend or a loved one who is sitting in the street crying, you need to get those band-aids ready and force them to get up if you have to; they will certainly thank you for it later. Just make sure you give them a popsicle after.

Even though I failed, I'm back in the saddle. Hopefully I can ride into the sunset without any band-aids. I can't make any promises though...

Throwing Stones

Hello Internet. Nice to see you again.

I'll have you know that I managed to finish all the laundry yesterday, went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's (even though I had no idea what to buy and wandered around aimlessly for an hour putting random items in my cart), cleaned the kitchen, and made dinner. Oh, AND unpacked the overnight bag. The bathroom is a work in progress....

Despite feeling so accomplished when I went to bed yesterday, when I got to my office today and realized how much work I had I began having an anxiety attack about it. I practically had to go back and read my own words from the day before and remember to tackle one issue at a time. If I have fooled you into thinking that I'm wise, joke's on you! I'm so crazy, I can't even listen to my own advice. Sigh....

Tonight I have bible study with the teens, so one of my tasks today was to prepare our discussion questions. Let me tell you, this is SO hard for me. I am no biblical scholar, trust me. It sucks when you are supposed to be teaching people about the bible when you don't even understand it yourself half the time (ok, three-quarters of the time). Thank God for the internet and bible study books - I would not survive without them.

Lucky for me, today we are going over John chapter 8, which includes the story of the adulterous woman. You know, the one where the Jews bring Jesus the woman who was found guilty of adultery and ask what to do with her: to stone or not to stone. Then Jesus throws out one of his many amazing one-liners: "Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7) Spoiler alert: not one person throws a stone. Jesus, who was the one person without sin, doesn't condemn her either and simply tells her to go and sin no more. Seriously, Jesus was so cool. And smart. And just all around awesome.

This has a pretty clear message for us: don't judge others. Furthermore, look inward at your own sins and shortcomings before you try to look at someone else's. While the message may be clear, is it an easy one to follow?? Not always. Maybe not ever. But if Jesus himself, the one human who ever lived without sin, does not condemn, how can we?? The truth is - we can't. We can't and we shouldn't. You never know what another person's situation is, and you can't judge their actions. One day, you may find yourself in their shoes, and if so, don't you want this to ring true for you: "Blessed are the merciful, for mercy shall be theirs?"

Now, here's where it gets tricky. Does this mean that we ignore sin? Does it make sin okay? How do we really go on loving the sinner, but not the sin? It's very difficult, especially in today's society. There seem to be two options: either you condemn (and therefore judge, are hateful, and self-righteous), or you accept (and therefore love, but become blind to sin). We are called to split the difference. As Christians, as people, as fellow humans, we are called to love everyone: Saint, sinner, priest, prostitute, friend or enemy. But, we are not called to ignore sin and it's darkness.

Like Jesus, it is our job to say: Go and sin no more! We were talking about the gay marriage petitioners that stand outside of stores and malls at bible study last week. One of the teens said, "I always just walk by them, and say I don't agree. But really, I should go up to them, and say: Because I care about you as another child of God, I'm not going to sign your petition. Because I believe that He knows what's best for you, and He doesn't want gay marriage. I don't judge you; I don't sign because I love you." We all agreed that the petitioner would probably be thrown for a loop! But it would be kinda cool if we all took the time to do that, right?

The fact is, none of us want to be chained to sin, to judgement, to hatred, to condemnation. And without sin, we are all free. Truly and completely free, and at peace. Isn't that what we want for ourselves, our brothers and sisters, and our world?

I do.

I love ya, tomorrow

Well hello there, how are you? I apologize for the lack of post yesterday (since I'm sure my hundreds of readers cried themselves to sleep last night because I didn't post. ha). My day was spent at the church and I just ran out of time, plus, technically Sundays are not counted in the 40 days of Lent, so I gave myself the day off. It's totally legal, don't worry. Ask a priest!

Today I'm spending the day at home, since I was at work all weekend. My plan was to be super productive and catch up on all the housework I should have done this weekend, but I'm not gonna lie, I've watched 2 episodes of the Real Housewives and haven't folded one single piece of laundry. Fail. The kitchen is still a mess too, as is the bathroom, and my bag from the weekend is laying on the floor and it hasn't been unpacked. Yikes. Too much to do. It's overwhelming. So, I find it much easier to stay in my bed and ignore my responsibilities. I've got a whole lot of TV at my fingertips on my Netflix that will keep me entertained until the hub gets home. Oh yea, I'm also supposed to go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Rats.

So now it's 3pm and I still have a whole pile of work to do. And that big pile is scary. I'm looking for any excuse to avoid it. Writing this seems like as good an excuse as any!! The problem is, when I'm done, the pile of work will still be there. It's not going anywhere. Such is life. It's always easier to run from our problems and/or responsibilities, to avoid them, to procrastinate, to justify our laziness. But that only makes things worse. It just makes our problems harder to solve, our responsibilities more abundant, and our plates more full.

The key is to tackle one thing at a time. I can handle folding one load of laundry. Maybe not five(yes, that's how much laundry I have to do today), but I can handle one. And after that one is done, there will only be four left. And so on and so forth. I think this is how we need to approach our Lent - take things one day at a time. Baby steps. You may think it's impossible to survive 40 days of sacrifice, but I know you can handle one. And that's all you have to do today - just get through one. Tomorrow will be a new day, with new challenges and sacrifices and problems and responsibilities, but don't worry about tomorrow. It's not here yet. Just deal with today. You can do it. I can do it. I will conquer this giant pile of laundry!!!

The kitchen, bathroom, and overnight bag may have to wait until tomorrow. But I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to get through today.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

wahh waaaahhhh

First, a housekeeping issue: I cannot figure out how to edit posts. Yesterday the weird font thing was back, AND I called Kathie Lee Kathie Less. Proofreading is a good idea, no? Anyway, I don't know how to fix them, so sorry 'bout it. I'm not a very good housekeeper anyway.

I'm totally having a pity party for myself today. Pity.Party. It's bad. I keep telling myself I need to buck up and get over it, but it's not happening. arg. I've been at church all day chaperoning our 24 hour food fast, which started last night at 6:30pm. Don't even start to feel sorry for me though - I'm doing enough of that for myself. I'm not fasting, because a.) if you read my first post you know I suck at it, and b.) the babe is a very hungry babe. He must eat. Also, I brought our handy Aero bed to sleep on last night, so I didn't even have to sleep on the floor. I know, I know, my life is so rough.

I'm mostly pouting because my mom, sisters, and bffs are at a dance convention this weekend and I realllllly wish I was with them. Like reallllllyyyyy. It's silly, I know. I would probably look like an idiot trying to dance around with this belly of mine, especially because getting dressed in the morning makes me out of breath. But, none-the-less, I am letting it ruin my weekend here because I'm not there.

Here's the really crazy thing though. While I do love going to the dance conventions every year, and it's a tradition that we all cherish, I am usually the first one to get irritated over the course of the weekend. My mom owns a dance studio, and the reason that we go is because she takes all of her students to participate in the dance classes during the day and to compete at night. It's a LOT of teenage girls. And their mothers. Who all know me, or think they know me, because I'm my mom's daughter. I usually want to say, "uh, who are you??" but instead, smile and nod. The situation always stresses me out, without fail. To be completely honest, I need a glass of wine just to survive.

How easy it is for me to forget about the negative aspects of that experience because I am so busy focusing on the negatives of this weekend's reality. It's so cliche, but it's so true: the grass always seems greener on the other side. Why?? WHY WHY WHY? It's so frustrating! Why can't we just be happy with what we have and live our lives in the moment? Being human is so irritating to me. Sometimes, I just wish I were a dog. They're always dumb and happy, wagging their tails and getting excited over a dried up bone made of stuff that cannot taste good.

But God created us as humans for a reason, and He calls us to be happy and thankful for all of our blessings, even when we can't see them. A blessing in disguise, if you will (geez, so many cliches today... sorry!). While it's been extremely hard for me to be missing out on the dance weekend, I have been blind to the blessings of the food fast weekend. The fact that I got to spend the entire weekend with my husband; that I have a husband who is willing to give up his weekend and spend it with me and the teens that I work with. I got a LOT of work done today that I won't have to worry about later this week. We heard an awesome presentation from one of my favorite ladies at the church about The Street Child Project in Uganda and the amazing work they are doing there (check out their website: thestreetchildproject.org and make a donation!).

I could keep going (I get to go to dinner with my Dad tonight!), but I won't bore you with the mundane details of my Saturday. I just hope that you might take a little bit of time to think about the blessings in your life that you may be overlooking. Honestly, when I sat down to write today, I had no idea what I was going to say. I really just wanted to complain to y'all, since you can't say anything back! ha! But as I sat here and took the time to reflect, God spoke to my heart and reminded me of ALL the things I have to be thankful for. And there are endless things. Endless.

My pity party has officially ended. I'm about to go to a dinner party with Jesus in the church - you're all invited! Shout out to my ladies in Irvine.. I hope you're having an awesome weekend! I miss you all!!

"We would worry less if we praised more. Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontent and dissatisfaction." -Harry Ironside

Well hello, Friday. It's so nice to see you. You are my favorite day. Friday is my day off (usually... I'm actually at work as I type tonight), and it's my favorite kind of day because I usually have nothing to do. Most everyone else I know is at work, so it's just me and Parker Joe on Fridays during the day and we are usually deliciously lazy. Most times I put some laundry in the washing machine while I watch TV so I can feel a little bit productive, but not today. Today I didn't accomplish anything. Am I motivating you right now or what??

I'm getting somewhere, trust me. One of the guilty pleasures I indulged in today was watching my favorite show, Bethenny Ever After. It's on Bravo, and it's all about Bethenny Frankel and her life as a business woman, wife, mother, friend, and crazy person. I love her. She makes me feel more normal, since I think we can agree she is even crazier than I am. Or we are at least on the same level. I wish she were my real life friend; I know we would hit it off. Bethenny, if you're reading this, my number is..... just kidding. In my dreams.

Moving right along, today on the show she was having lunch with her friend Hoda (she's on TODAY with Kathie Less) and they were talking about finding success and love later in life. Hoda is madly in love with a new man, and claims to have found true love for the first time at 47 years old. Bethenny is 41 and recently sold her signature cocktail idea, the Skinny Girl Margarita, to Jim Beam for a boat load of money, and was on the cover of Forbes magazine. It's pretty amazing what she has accomplished.

Now, don't go thinking that I'm telling you to make these two your new role models. They are celebrities, they have their flaws, and I am not condoning their lifestyles. But listening to their conversation got me thinking about something - God's timing. These women are examples of finding "success," happiness, love, fulfillment much later in life than they had expected. Much later in life than most people expect to, right?

Society has groomed us to crave instant gratification. We want anything and everything RIGHT NOW. Waiting is not an option. Between cell phones, iPads, laptops, etc. etc. we have the world at our fingertips at all times. Furthermore, we are taught from a young age what "success" is supposed to mean in this country. Ahh, the American Dream. Go to college, land your dream job, meet your other half, get married, but a house, have a few kids.... all before you're 35. Maybe even younger. Sound familiar?? It's a lot of pressure.

But is this kind of timing God's timing?? Is this what he really wants for us? I have to laugh now when I look back at myself after college. I never thought about God's timing. I had Tara's timing, and that was all I needed. Until I realized that my timing wasn't working out. I was totally convinced at 23 that I would be stuck waitressing my whole life, living with my parents, and dying alone (just a litttttle dramatic. I told you I was crazy). I didn't care about what God wanted for me, or what his plan was. I was too wrapped up in my own plans and in the plans of everyone around me.

What we all need to remember is: God's timing is PERFECT. He has a specific plan for each and every one of us, and he wants nothing more than for us to be happy and fulfilled. The other thing that we have to remember is: God's timing is never our timing. We have to trust in him and his plan, which is not easy to do! But when we can let ourselves be at peace, knowing that he will take care of us and fulfill our every hope and dream (maybe not winning the lottery or being BFF with Bethenny Frankel, but within reason), that is when we will know happiness.

Don't give in to the ways of the world, and settle for mediocrity just because it's easy, or because you can have it NOW. Have patience, trust in God and his plan, and let him lead you to the richness of life.

And if you need a good laugh along the way, watch Bethenny - she'll make you feel a little better, guaranteed!

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future of hope" Jeremiah 29:11

Slow Yer Roll

Confession: I drive fast. Not reckless, but fast. Real fast. I love fast. Always have driven fast, probably always will. As someone who is a.) chronically late (it's genetic, don't blame me, blame my mother), and b.) often fueled by stress and anxiety, I like to get where I'm going as quickly as possible. I like to think of it as driving with purpose. Yes, that's it... purpose (I love a good euphemism). If you know me at all, you probably already knew this. (Disclaimer: I still consider myself a safe driver, and an excellent one at that. I'm just extremely efficient.)

Lately, I've been noticing that I'm becoming more and more of a chronic red-light-runner. Ok, maybe not chronic, but it's becoming a common activity. (I really hope there aren't any law enforcement officers reading this. I also wish my husband wasn't going to read this particular post.) Note: I've never gotten a red light ticket, so I can't be that bad, right? Great, now I'll probably get one on the way to work tomorrow. This is what I get for being honest with the Internet.

Anyway, I began to analyze my increase in red-light-running. Why is it becoming more frequent? Here is what I've come up with: I drive ALL the way down Miramar Road and back everyday. There are a LOT of lights. A LOT. They are very frustrating. So, part of this is just statistical - I go through a higher volume of red lights, thus, I run a higher volume of red lights, right? Totally logical. Because of the sheer number of lights on Miramar and the frustration they cause, I tend to be more irritable while driving. More irritation = less lawful driving. It's a proven fact. Just look at New York City. Then, I'll have those days when I hit every. single. red. light. Arrrgggggggggg. You know what I mean, right?? After the 4th red in a row, I deserve to run a yellow/red, don't I? I deserve it!! Which makes is more legal, obviously.

To be fair, I never intend to run a red light. I've never driven through a RED red light. They are always yellow; yellow I tell you! Yellow in my car means SPEED UP! Pedal to the metal!! Instead of, proceed with caution! or slow down! But I never mean to run a red light. I'm always convinced that I have plenty of time to get through the intersection, and if I speed up juuuust a little bit, I'll be fine. And then, as I'm passing over the crosswalk, the red flashes me in the face. It says "you criminal!!" I'm always full of shame after a red light incident. (Maybe less so if it's the case where I deserve to get the light. That's different.)

Isn't this so often how we all approach sin? I don't think that any of us wake up in the morning thinking, "Yea, I'm totally gonna sin today. Something really naughty. Can't wait." Just like I don't pull out of my driveway thinking, "Can't wait to run a red light!" We inherently want to be good people. God created us that way, but he also gave us free will, and we are bound to fall short. We get ourselves in trouble when we try to walk the line, or push the limit. Just like a yellow light. Instead of speeding up and trying to sneak through, we should slow down and play it safe. But it's so hard to do sometimes.

Often times, we are going so fast that we don't even have time to stop! We are rushing right through life and we don't have time to look at the traffic signs that God is posting for us; the warnings he puts out there to help us avoid sin. Often times, we continuously put ourselves in tempting situations that make it even harder to hear God's voice and turn away from sin. Luckily, in our spiritual lives, we don't HAVE to drive down the metaphorical Miramar Road, filled with red lights and endless temptation. We can choose to avoid those situations are drive in the slow lane on the freeway. But do we make that choice?

Sometimes, we are inevitably going to be put in tempting and tough situations, just like I have to drive down Miramar Road everyday. When we find ourselves there, the key is to slow down, look, and listen. You know how when you see a cop you always slow down because you don't want to get a ticket? Well, God isn't a cop, but He IS everywhere, always watching. He knows your every move, before you even make it. Lucky for us, God doesn't give out tickets. When we break his law, he still loves us and is willing to forgive us and make our hearts clean. Let us always remember that He is there, constantly in our midst, not to write us tickets, but to give us guidance and lead us to Salvation.

As you're driving through life, think of God as the cop in your rear view mirror. It might help you slow down and avoid temptation, and to proceed with caution. Only, it shouldn't fill you with fear or anxiety, but instead give you peace in knowing that He is always watching out for you and trying to keep you safe.

So, I'm gonna slow my roll. Are you?

"Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Expansion

First of all, my apologies for the weird font change in yesterday's post. Also, please accept my apology for not going back to fix it, because I don't know how. oops. Man, I'm such a rookie! Someday, I might learn. We'll see. My sis also requested that I add some photos to the blog for a little visual candy, but I don't know how to do that yet either. Sorry sis! It's only day three - we have plenty of time for improvement, right? I don't want to give it all up in the beginning! What would keep you coming back??

This morning we had our staff prayer meeting. I have to say, as awful as it is to admit, I completely dread the Wednesday staff prayer meeting. We use these Small Church Community books and we discuss the Gospel reading for the upcoming Sunday's Mass. It's nice to be able to review the reading ahead of time, but I find the reflections in the books we use kind of lame, and I hate breaking up into partners and sharing my thoughts. Whilst I do like the people I work with, they are all much older than me and the conversations can be very awkward. And I don't like awkward.

Today, we read about the Transfiguration of Jesus. Then, we read the reflection (which was actually kind of good today), and we got to share as a whole group! Thanks be to God! No awkward one on one convo!! It's the small victories, people, ok? Anyway, the reflection talked about having to expand our experience of God. Peter, James and John were up on that mountain with Jesus and were totally freaked out because Jesus was turning a dazzling white and God was speaking to them - you'd probably be freaked out too, right? I would! They were experiencing an expansion of God's greatness and power that they had never seen before, and it forced them to expand their idea of who God is.

We too are called to expand our idea of what and who God is. He is not something that can be kept in a box, or predicted, or figured out. He truly is a beautiful mystery to us. So often we want to try to define him, or use him for our own devices or our own comfort, or pretend that we know what he knows. It is easier to keep God "within the lines" so to speak, right? Visit him on Sunday at Mass, spend a few minutes in prayer with him at bedtime or before meals, read a bit of scripture, but then ignore him when we don't need him, or we haven't scheduled him into our day. I know I do it, and I bet you do too.

One of the other staff members suggested that in order to expand our experience of God, we have to remember that he lives in each and every one of us, and try to recognize him in all people at all times. This is not as easy as it sounds! This idea calls us to be open and accepting of all people - family, friends, strangers (yikes!), enemies, sinners, etc. etc. Did you see God in the person that cut you off while driving to work today? I didn't. I scowled at them. Did you see God in your sister when she borrowed your favorite shirt without asking? (it's a girl thing. ladies, you understand, right?) I'm betting not. (This was definitely the cause of 85% of the fights in our household growing up) Did you see God in the annoying hipster trying to get you to sign his gay marriage proposal? Next time, try.

Try to see God in all people at all times. Don't let yourself focus on the negative and let your judgement of others get in the way of love. Remember how yesterday we talked about being created in the image of God? ALL human beings are created in the image of God, and he lives in them, whether they know it or not. He is knocking on everyone's heart, but some people haven't learned how to listen to him. Instead of judging them, pray for them. Let the love of God that lives in you reach out to them.

If we have the ability to recognize God in all people at all times, I can bet that our lives will become more enjoyable. If you live your life trying to see the good in others, you will feel good, and will probably be more likely to see the good in yourself. So go ahead, expand your experience of God. We may not have been able to witness the Transfiguration, but if we open our eyes, I trust that He will show us some truly amazing things.

Now, let's see if I can put this into practice when I teach my 5th grade CCD class this afternoon. It can be real hard to see God in those little boogers... pray for me!