Another hole in the Lenten promise yesterday - sorry 'bout it. Now do you believe me that I suck at Lent?? The worst part is, there is now cold hard evidence of that fact on the Internet. And I have multiple people holding me accountable: "Did you blog today?" "Something has been missing the last few days..." "How come you didn't write today?" It's actually quite good to have other people holding you accountable and urging you to do better, but I have to be honest, sometimes it's a little irritating. I'd rather hide my failures so everything thinks I'm perfect... yea, right.

The fact is, it's very easy to hide your failures, your problems, your feelings, your worries, etc. if you don't have anyone supporting you and knowing where to look for those hidden "monsters" in your metaphorical closet. We often think that we need to be perfect, or at least appear that way to others. That asking for help makes us weak. Or, that we are better off doing things on our own.

That's my biggest problem. As a total perfectionist, borderline OCD kind of person, I would always rather do things myself. That way, I know that they're done the way I want them to be done. That sounds good, until I allow myself to be overwhelmed and then want to give up altogether. You know in job interviews when they ask you what your greatest weakness is? (I hate that question - it's the worst. Overall, job interviews suck.) Anyway, I always answer "I tend to live by: if you want something done right, you do it yourself." I'm not very good at delegating, and that is usually the death of me.

I also hate being managed. I am a bad manager, because I can't delegate, but I also hate being managed because I hate being accountable to someone else. I know, I'm a total lost cause. I'm sure you're thinking, "How do you even have a job??" I wonder that sometimes too. Luckily, the job I have now is pretty perfect - I don't really have to manage or be managed by anyone else. I get to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I live on my own little youth ministry island. If only I were truly surrounded by ocean and palm trees - although then I'd never get anything done.

Anyhow, I function just fine on my little island, until, of course, retreat time rolls around. Then I get hit by a tsunami. It never fails - I'm always convinced that I can swim my way back to the shore, without anyone's help. And I always end up needing help. Every time. It is in these moments that I have to give up control and ask for help. Let me be frank - I hate asking for help. But over the years I've learned that I NEED to ask for help, and that it makes my life better in the long run.

The one person we should always turn to first for help is our Lord. He already knows our hidden failures, worries, secrets, and problems anyway. But he will never force his help on us - He loves us too much. He waits for us to ask. And when we ask for his help, we also become accountable to him. He knocks on our hearts, whispers in our ears, and sends us little reminders when we slip and fall. Just like "Did you blog today??" God says: "Did you live like Jesus today? Did you help others? Were you kind? Loving? Merciful?" Instead of being "annoyed" by his whispers, we should feel blessed that He loves us enough to care. And no matter how many times we slip and fall, he loves us just the same.

Even when it gets a wee bit annoying, I am blessed that I have people in my life who hold me accountable. I see God in each and every one of them, and I know that they love me, and that's why they watch out for me. And I know that I can always ask them for help, and they will gladly give it. And, most of them know me well enough to know that if they're going to help, their work had better be darn near perfect. :) No one likes to upset the OCD monster in me...

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7