breaking point

Well, totally had a nervous breakdown today. Everything with the house is making me ten times crazier than I usually am, and I'm pretty crazy on a normal day, so you can imagine that the level of crazy in my head right now is high. Very high. I met with a guy this morning about replacing the banister on our stairs. Not only is the current banister hideous, but the openings between the railings are almost 7 inches wide. Definitely big enough for a little tyke to climb right through and fall 12 ft. to the floor below (I don't know if it's 12 ft. or more or less.. but that seemed like a good guess. Either way - not safe).

You'd think a simple wooden railing wouldn't break the bank, right? Well, you would be wrong. It is mind-blowingly expensive. Everything about this house is mind-blowingly expensive. It's enough to make a girl cry. So, that's what I did. Got to work, locked myself in my office, and totally snapped. Hello, nervous breakdown, hello waterfall of tears. Ugh. Breakdowns of this type are extremely exhausting. Plus, you have to hide when people walk down the hall past your office so they can't see the mascara that's running down your face. It's rough, trust me.

In the big scheme of things, I know that my problems are stupid. Totally stupid. To quote my teens who post on facebook.. this definitely qualifies as a #firstworldproblem. But unfortunately, that doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me feel worse for being a spoiled, selfish, blessed in many ways girl who just wants some nice floors because carpet is a disgusting germ-breeding, dirt collecting pile of grossness.

I guess what I need to do is pray about it. Only, I can't really pray, "Dear God, please help me find some money so I can fix up my new house. Thanks." That's what I want to say, but I'm not going to. This is one of those situations where I really wish I didn't need any help. I've always been a hard worker, I've had a job since I was 16. I'm not a big spender by any means, but when I want something or need something, I'm usually able to buy it on my own. I prefer being independent that way.

Unfortunately, that's not how it works when you're married. And that's not how it works when you don't make very much money. You have to learn to become dependent on each other, how to share, how to make decisions together. And it's not always easy. But that's what love is all about - whether it's love between a husband and wife, brother and sister, parent and child, friend and friend... it's about compromise. It's about putting someone else before yourself. So that's what I need to pray for. To ask God to help me be better at loving others.

I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my breakdown, and I still don't feel great about any of this. I still hate carpet... hate, hate, hate carpet, but I'm trying to change my mind about it. Will you pray for me please? Also, if you know how to install a banister on a staircase, come on over! I'll feed you something delicious and pay you a fair price. Please just make sure the little man will not plummet to his death one day.

I'm sorry that I don't make much sense today. I told you, the crazy is at a dangerously high level right now. If you didn't believe me before, you probably do now. Luckily, tomorrow is my day off so I'm going to stay home, do laundry, and watch Bethenny Ever After, because as I've said before, she always makes me feel a little more sane. And that's why I love her.

And don't forget.. I love you.