i don't got this.

i'm really sucking at this blogging thing so far. i just never feel motivated to write at the end of the day. or the beginning or the middle. not that i ever get the chance to during the day while i'm wrangling my children. our crew is a traveling circus and i do not exaggerate. i think it's not a great sign when strangers say to me "you have your hands full!" i mean, i've only got two of 'em! there are people who have way more who manage to have it way more together than i do. i really wish i could hear the thoughts of innocent strangers who watch our tornado run through. one time we literally made a cashier at trader joe's almost puke. that was a low point.

that being said, i'm basically terrified to get pregnant again this year. my 2015 resolution is to make it the first year in 4 that i do not spend pregnant at all. however, being catholic and all, we are supposed to be open to any and all children that God wants to bless us with. and i am open to more children, just not right now.
i found myself praying the other night as i was rocking the baby to sleep, "dear Lord, if it is your will to give us more children in the near future, please don't." HA. am i serious? honestly, who do i think i am? hey God, i know you're special and all, but i'm pretty smart and i'm sure my plans are better. k? k. what a joke. why do we think we know better than God? why don't we just trust him whole heartedly? i wish i were better at it. i know that his plans for me are better than any i could even begin to dream up, but i still find myself doubting now and again. it's actually kind of gross. it's like if someone gave you the winning lotto numbers and you were like, no thanks. i'll roll the dice myself. it's crazy talk.
and while we all know that i am crazy, i would never pass up the chance to win the lotto. i'm not completely insane. and the thing is, God's love and grace is like a million times better than any sum of money. so i'm going to try to not be such an idiot and just follow God's path for me (but please don't get any ideas- no babies on the way over here).

i'm needy.

you guys. i survived 4 days without my husband while keeping both children alive and well. can I get a high five? or better yet, a giant beer. i mean, i knew i could do it. at least, i think i did? because, duh, people go out of town. of course i could handle it- i'm supermom! (ew.) but man, in the thick of it, i had doubts. and beers. and ice cream. and a few tearful meltdowns.
i'm not totally 100% mentally stable. i mean, i am, don't be scared. but I'm medicated (thank god for crazy pills. don't hate on the crazy pills) but still, you can take the girl out of the asylum (or in my case the infirmary at Disneyland, urgent care, or my dark bedroom curled up in a ball in bed), but you can't fully take the crazy out of the girl. can you believe they let me go to culinary school and use all those sharp knives???? ha.
have I shared too much? hopefully not. when i was blogging 2 years ago i was a youth minister and i had a boss (who was a priest) so i had to hold back a bit - now my two tiny bosses can't read and my husband is fully aware of my crazy, so i'm putting it all out there. and if they rest of you want to judge, go right ahead, cause i just don't care (i recently bought a pair of fake birkenstocks. yes, they are hideous. and i wear them with socks sometimes. it is SO liberating). being a lame mom is so cool. 
anyhow, welcome to my shit show (yea, i curse sometimes. horrible habit. i know, it's disgusting. but i do it. i think it helps me relieve stress? yea, let's go with that).

back to my husband being gone. it sucked balls. i missed him. i need him around (it pains me a little to say that). all my life i've been fiercely independent and i like to think that i don't need anyone. i got this. i can take care of myself and my kids and my house and i don't want help or need it. but the truth is (and this is a truth i struggle with), that's a bunch of BS. i can't do life alone. for one, i need my husband. he's my best friend. besides just helping with the kids or the house, i just need him around to help my stay sane (i told you- always on the verge of crazy). even when he's pissing me off and i think i don't want to hear him talk so loud over the tv, i need his voice in the background. and the foreground. and the underground and all over the ground.

the same totally goes for my relationship with God. i mean, i KNOW i need God. but i don't think i'm very good at letting Him know that i know i need him. i often just float stumble through life and forget to pray, to praise, to thank, to speak to God. it's hard when life is busy and you have two cute little terrorists running around. but Lord, if i ever give you the impression that i've got it all figured out, please know that i do NOT mean it. i will be the first to admit that i am one hot mess. hopefully, through this blog during lent (and i'm off to a running start, am i right? 2 posts in 5 days. epic fail), i will have more time to remember how much i need Christ and his unconditional love and to remember to tell him that.
so there it is, internet. i don't have it all together. if i've fooled anyone into thinking i do, i'd like to thank the rx bottle on my nightstand.

lent, y'all

well hello there, internet. it's literally been years. part of me thought this little blog may have disappeared while i was away, but 'tis not the case. the internet really is in it for the long haul.

so, lent is again upon us. as previously mentioned, i suck at lent. more spcifically, i suck at sacrifice. yesterday i decided to try and fast (not something i usually participate in), only because i knew i wasn't going to make it to mass with both children flying solo. by the end of the day, i was incredibly hangry (if you don't know what that means then you need to spend some time on urban dictionary) and basically a miserable, cranky human being. i didn't feel any closer to God and i definitely didn't feel closer to my husband since i kind of wanted to punch him in the face (being hangry is a serious condition).
all this to say that instead of giving something up for lent, i'm doing something. and that something is this blog.
it won't be easy and i'll be as consistent as i can. i didn't post yesterday because i was too hungry to think straight, and while i intended to write a full post tonight, it appears that won't be happening because my baby is already awake and screaming in the other room. yay! at least i had time to finish my ice cream.

choice.

wow. It's been a long while since I spent any time on this little blog. I stated quite clearly in my last post that I'd be stopping by sporadically, so I guess in my dictionary "sporadic" means: every 7 months.
Not much has happened since April, you know, just finished moving into the house, had a baby, enjoyed maternity leave (but was highly disappointed that Bethenny's talk show was not aired in San Diego), watched a lot of Olympics (I never really got to watch weightlifting though, and that's one of my fav events. oh well... in 4 years), went back to work and all the while have been falling madly in love with my little nugget Colt. And then yesterday a new president was elected. And today is my husband's birthday. So, you see - not much at all.

I'm not really sure why I decided to start writing again today. I think maybe it's because I've been feeling a little out of control. And control is one of those things I like to have a firm grasp on.
I've been struggling the last week or so with some personal and family issues, so that's left me a little down (ok, a lot. it's stuff I obsess over. but just a little bit).
Colton, who was an AMAZING sleeper as a wee babe has decided that sleeping longer than 3 to 4 hours is no longer en vogue and is making our nights a little hellish. This has led me to try to read up on "sleep schedules" and "sleep training" and wowza, it's basically rocket science. But harder.
And then enter: election day and election night and the day after and the week after and the 4 years after and, and, and.... It makes me feel like I'm drowning. There is negativity everywhere I look. Negativity even in the celebrations because people always feel the need to put someone else down in order to feel lifted up. It's depressing. And trust me - I don't need help feeling negative or depressed. I've mastered those two things quite well all on my own.

Today I had a make a choice. A choice to rise above all those things. A choice to put myself in control. As much as I'd like to, there are many, many things I can't control. I can't control others and their actions. I apparently can't control how well my baby sleeps (even though supposedly I should be able to). I can't control who the rest of the country chooses to be the President. But I am in control of myself and my choices. And today I choose to celebrate.
I choose to celebrate my amazing husband and the day of his birth and how hard he works and how much he does for our family. I celebrate the fact that the cutest little man in all the land is sitting on my lap right now and I get to spend all day, every day with this smiling, babbling, bundle of pure joy. And I celebrate the fact that I believe in a God who is in control of all the other things I can't, so I never really have to worry.

You have a choice to make today too - What will it be?

miss me?

I'm sure that all of you readers have been anxiously awaiting my return. And by all of you I mean all 3 of you and by anxious I mean that you probably gave up on this little blog. It's cool, I almost did too. But here I am, although, let me warn you ahead of time that I don't have anything groundbreaking to share.

The last two weeks have been incredibly busy, which is part of the reason for my lack of writing. I mean, I was two weeks behind on Bethenny!!! You know things were crazy...

Easter weekend was filled with showering the babe and celebrating the Risen Christ with family and friends. Then, it was time to get down to business with the packing of our house. NOT a fun task. Moving is the. worst. Seriously. Even though I knew we were going to a new, better house that we OWN and how exciting is that, I still dreaded the process. But with the help of my mom and linds, I got it done. Only by the grace of God...

Last weekend was only a little, tiny bit crazy. We had a lock-in ALL night on Friday night at church that both the hub and myself chaperoned, Saturday we finished packing and cleaned the new house to get ready for move-in, and Sunday the movers came, the hub had a fantasy draft, and I had work. Totally chill. By Sunday evening I honestly thought my feet would fall off, and the belly was not my favorite accessory. Not at all. But we all survived and now we're in the new house! yay! It's currently a disaster, but we're in it none the less. Success.

I'm trying not to be too crazy about the whole process, but we all know that crazy is what comes naturally. I just want everything to be done. Right now. Right NOW. Ugh. Patience is not my forte. But I'm working on it. I'm learning. It took me 3 tries to buy the right curtains for our bedroom - 3 tries! I'm not a very good homemaker just yet. But we finally have curtains on the windows and that is a victory. And I'll take it.

I'll be around this little blog sporadically for a while during the rest of the move in process. If you miss me terrrrribly... let me know. I'll see what I can do for you.

mini miracle

Ok, I know I said I wasn't going to bore you with anymore stories about the house and the demo and the remodel, etc. etc., but I just have to tell you this story. Sometimes it is so perfectly clear that God is so good!!

As you probably already know, we have to replace the banister on our staircase. Originally, I thought this would be an easy job. Easy and not too expensive... I mean, it's just a little bit of wood, right? Slap that sucker on the stairs and call it a day. Boy was I wrong. Just google "stair anatomy" and you'll see how complicated they are!! geeezzzz. I started getting quotes from different people: a stair company and then an independent woodworker. Both were ridiculously expensive, said they couldn't do exactly what I wanted, and made me feel crazy for even trying to put in a new banister without building a whole new staircase fancy enough to please the Queen of England.

Yesterday I was stuck. I didn't know what to do. We reallllly didn't want to spend that much money on the stairs, but I didn't know what other options we had! We certainly are not equipped to install a banister ourselves... I mean, I'm awesome at tile demo, but that's where it ends (oh, I'm pretty good at refinishing furniture too, but I guess I'm not supposed to be doing that kind of stuff right now... fumes? whatever).

I headed to the house yesterday evening feeling very defeated. While I was driving I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, and when I listened to the message, it was from one of the many stair companies I had contacted a week or so ago at the beginning of my search. I wasn't even sure that it was worth it to have someone come else and look at it - we already had two completely different people tell us that stair banisters cost an arm and a leg.

But something about the message, and the timing, struck me. The man seemed so nice on the voice mail, and something told me that he called when he did for a reason. I just had this feeling that God was sending me a sign. When I was ready to give up on the whole thing, I get this phone call I wasn't expecting. I decided to trust Him and call back.

Low and behold, Terry the stair genius came out to the house today, designed exactly what I wanted, and gave me a quote that was half of what the others quoted. MIRACLE! Honestly, I could not be happier. And I know that this truly is a gift from God. I probably never would have even called anyone else. I certainly wouldn't have ever called my man Terry. I am so thankful to God today for this small blessing! My mini stair miracle!

I know it may sound cheesy, and you may be skeptical, but I think that we need to take the time to recognize that the good things in life happen because of God. It's not luck, it's not coincidence, it's not karma or randomness, it's God and His amazing love for us. He really will help you through anything. But you have to trust Him, you have to look for Him, you have to ask Him.

Tonight is my favorite mass of the year - the mass of the Lord's Supper on Holy Thursday. At this mass we celebrate the last meal Jesus shared with his disciples and we remember that Jesus is still present with us in the bread and wine at every mass. What an amazing miracle!!! We are also reminded of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. Can you even imagine, having the Son of God wash your feet??? Crazy! But Jesus was showing them how much he loved them, that he was here to serve them, and encouraged them to serve others. Such a great message for us all.

Happy Holy Thursday!!

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

so close, yet so far away

I have to admit, as this Lent winds down, I'm finding myself seriously strapped for topics to write about. I already feel like I've started to repeat myself, and that's just not cool. I'm sure you've already heard quite enough about the new house and the remodel issues, about my own craziness, and the other mundane details of my life that I share with you.

So where does that leave me? I'm really not sure. I had wanted to finish out this week strong, and even though there are only a few days left until Easter, it seems so far away. So. Far. Away. That's probably how Jesus felt in those days leading up to his crucifixion. Can you even imagine?? Knowing that you were going to have to endure this horrible, humiliating, painful death and having to just wait for it to happen? I bet he wished he could just fast forward to the end, don't you think?

It's interesting, I'm always caught between wanting to press the fast forward on life and wanting to hit pause. The upcoming weekend is going to be a very busy one, and just this morning I was thinking that I wished time would slow down just a little so that I would have the chance to get a couple of loads of laundry done (I still have two clean loads from last week that haven't been folded). Now, here I am, wishing I could fast forward through the rest of the week. Get it together, woman!! I've always been very fickle, what can I say?

Rather than wanting to slow down or speed up, I guess we need to all learn to just let things play out. To enjoy the moment. To take everything in and appreciate whatever is happening in your life right now. Of course, right now, I want to pull my hair out. I want the house to be done, I want Confirmation to be over, and I want to be able to fit into my regular jeans again and get my abs back. But focusing on the future is robbing me of the present, and I'm not taking any time to enjoy the things that are happening right now.

Have you ever heard that song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins? It's a country song (don't hate... I love country music. They talk about God and morals and sappy stuff and they don't curse. I like to think it's God's music). Anyway, it kind of sums up what I'm trying to say. I think I'll try to get fancy and post a link. We'll see how that goes.

Wherever you're at in your life, whatever you're doing, wherever you're going, try to slow down and enjoy the ride a little bit more. Trust me, I know it's not easy. I suck at it. But I'm gonna try, even if I have to put that song on repeat for a little while. (Another good one is Darius Rucker's "It Won't Be Like This for Long") Enjoy this most holy of weeks. And if nothing else, be thankful for our Savior Jesus Christ who suffered and died for us so that we may have eternal life. That's pretty cool, and it makes life worth living. Along with all that Easter candy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBDN8yWyNYU&ob=av2n

See if that works for you!!!