i don't got this.

i'm really sucking at this blogging thing so far. i just never feel motivated to write at the end of the day. or the beginning or the middle. not that i ever get the chance to during the day while i'm wrangling my children. our crew is a traveling circus and i do not exaggerate. i think it's not a great sign when strangers say to me "you have your hands full!" i mean, i've only got two of 'em! there are people who have way more who manage to have it way more together than i do. i really wish i could hear the thoughts of innocent strangers who watch our tornado run through. one time we literally made a cashier at trader joe's almost puke. that was a low point.

that being said, i'm basically terrified to get pregnant again this year. my 2015 resolution is to make it the first year in 4 that i do not spend pregnant at all. however, being catholic and all, we are supposed to be open to any and all children that God wants to bless us with. and i am open to more children, just not right now.
i found myself praying the other night as i was rocking the baby to sleep, "dear Lord, if it is your will to give us more children in the near future, please don't." HA. am i serious? honestly, who do i think i am? hey God, i know you're special and all, but i'm pretty smart and i'm sure my plans are better. k? k. what a joke. why do we think we know better than God? why don't we just trust him whole heartedly? i wish i were better at it. i know that his plans for me are better than any i could even begin to dream up, but i still find myself doubting now and again. it's actually kind of gross. it's like if someone gave you the winning lotto numbers and you were like, no thanks. i'll roll the dice myself. it's crazy talk.
and while we all know that i am crazy, i would never pass up the chance to win the lotto. i'm not completely insane. and the thing is, God's love and grace is like a million times better than any sum of money. so i'm going to try to not be such an idiot and just follow God's path for me (but please don't get any ideas- no babies on the way over here).