i'm needy.

you guys. i survived 4 days without my husband while keeping both children alive and well. can I get a high five? or better yet, a giant beer. i mean, i knew i could do it. at least, i think i did? because, duh, people go out of town. of course i could handle it- i'm supermom! (ew.) but man, in the thick of it, i had doubts. and beers. and ice cream. and a few tearful meltdowns.
i'm not totally 100% mentally stable. i mean, i am, don't be scared. but I'm medicated (thank god for crazy pills. don't hate on the crazy pills) but still, you can take the girl out of the asylum (or in my case the infirmary at Disneyland, urgent care, or my dark bedroom curled up in a ball in bed), but you can't fully take the crazy out of the girl. can you believe they let me go to culinary school and use all those sharp knives???? ha.
have I shared too much? hopefully not. when i was blogging 2 years ago i was a youth minister and i had a boss (who was a priest) so i had to hold back a bit - now my two tiny bosses can't read and my husband is fully aware of my crazy, so i'm putting it all out there. and if they rest of you want to judge, go right ahead, cause i just don't care (i recently bought a pair of fake birkenstocks. yes, they are hideous. and i wear them with socks sometimes. it is SO liberating). being a lame mom is so cool. 
anyhow, welcome to my shit show (yea, i curse sometimes. horrible habit. i know, it's disgusting. but i do it. i think it helps me relieve stress? yea, let's go with that).

back to my husband being gone. it sucked balls. i missed him. i need him around (it pains me a little to say that). all my life i've been fiercely independent and i like to think that i don't need anyone. i got this. i can take care of myself and my kids and my house and i don't want help or need it. but the truth is (and this is a truth i struggle with), that's a bunch of BS. i can't do life alone. for one, i need my husband. he's my best friend. besides just helping with the kids or the house, i just need him around to help my stay sane (i told you- always on the verge of crazy). even when he's pissing me off and i think i don't want to hear him talk so loud over the tv, i need his voice in the background. and the foreground. and the underground and all over the ground.

the same totally goes for my relationship with God. i mean, i KNOW i need God. but i don't think i'm very good at letting Him know that i know i need him. i often just float stumble through life and forget to pray, to praise, to thank, to speak to God. it's hard when life is busy and you have two cute little terrorists running around. but Lord, if i ever give you the impression that i've got it all figured out, please know that i do NOT mean it. i will be the first to admit that i am one hot mess. hopefully, through this blog during lent (and i'm off to a running start, am i right? 2 posts in 5 days. epic fail), i will have more time to remember how much i need Christ and his unconditional love and to remember to tell him that.
so there it is, internet. i don't have it all together. if i've fooled anyone into thinking i do, i'd like to thank the rx bottle on my nightstand.