i don't got this.

i'm really sucking at this blogging thing so far. i just never feel motivated to write at the end of the day. or the beginning or the middle. not that i ever get the chance to during the day while i'm wrangling my children. our crew is a traveling circus and i do not exaggerate. i think it's not a great sign when strangers say to me "you have your hands full!" i mean, i've only got two of 'em! there are people who have way more who manage to have it way more together than i do. i really wish i could hear the thoughts of innocent strangers who watch our tornado run through. one time we literally made a cashier at trader joe's almost puke. that was a low point.

that being said, i'm basically terrified to get pregnant again this year. my 2015 resolution is to make it the first year in 4 that i do not spend pregnant at all. however, being catholic and all, we are supposed to be open to any and all children that God wants to bless us with. and i am open to more children, just not right now.
i found myself praying the other night as i was rocking the baby to sleep, "dear Lord, if it is your will to give us more children in the near future, please don't." HA. am i serious? honestly, who do i think i am? hey God, i know you're special and all, but i'm pretty smart and i'm sure my plans are better. k? k. what a joke. why do we think we know better than God? why don't we just trust him whole heartedly? i wish i were better at it. i know that his plans for me are better than any i could even begin to dream up, but i still find myself doubting now and again. it's actually kind of gross. it's like if someone gave you the winning lotto numbers and you were like, no thanks. i'll roll the dice myself. it's crazy talk.
and while we all know that i am crazy, i would never pass up the chance to win the lotto. i'm not completely insane. and the thing is, God's love and grace is like a million times better than any sum of money. so i'm going to try to not be such an idiot and just follow God's path for me (but please don't get any ideas- no babies on the way over here).

i'm needy.

you guys. i survived 4 days without my husband while keeping both children alive and well. can I get a high five? or better yet, a giant beer. i mean, i knew i could do it. at least, i think i did? because, duh, people go out of town. of course i could handle it- i'm supermom! (ew.) but man, in the thick of it, i had doubts. and beers. and ice cream. and a few tearful meltdowns.
i'm not totally 100% mentally stable. i mean, i am, don't be scared. but I'm medicated (thank god for crazy pills. don't hate on the crazy pills) but still, you can take the girl out of the asylum (or in my case the infirmary at Disneyland, urgent care, or my dark bedroom curled up in a ball in bed), but you can't fully take the crazy out of the girl. can you believe they let me go to culinary school and use all those sharp knives???? ha.
have I shared too much? hopefully not. when i was blogging 2 years ago i was a youth minister and i had a boss (who was a priest) so i had to hold back a bit - now my two tiny bosses can't read and my husband is fully aware of my crazy, so i'm putting it all out there. and if they rest of you want to judge, go right ahead, cause i just don't care (i recently bought a pair of fake birkenstocks. yes, they are hideous. and i wear them with socks sometimes. it is SO liberating). being a lame mom is so cool. 
anyhow, welcome to my shit show (yea, i curse sometimes. horrible habit. i know, it's disgusting. but i do it. i think it helps me relieve stress? yea, let's go with that).

back to my husband being gone. it sucked balls. i missed him. i need him around (it pains me a little to say that). all my life i've been fiercely independent and i like to think that i don't need anyone. i got this. i can take care of myself and my kids and my house and i don't want help or need it. but the truth is (and this is a truth i struggle with), that's a bunch of BS. i can't do life alone. for one, i need my husband. he's my best friend. besides just helping with the kids or the house, i just need him around to help my stay sane (i told you- always on the verge of crazy). even when he's pissing me off and i think i don't want to hear him talk so loud over the tv, i need his voice in the background. and the foreground. and the underground and all over the ground.

the same totally goes for my relationship with God. i mean, i KNOW i need God. but i don't think i'm very good at letting Him know that i know i need him. i often just float stumble through life and forget to pray, to praise, to thank, to speak to God. it's hard when life is busy and you have two cute little terrorists running around. but Lord, if i ever give you the impression that i've got it all figured out, please know that i do NOT mean it. i will be the first to admit that i am one hot mess. hopefully, through this blog during lent (and i'm off to a running start, am i right? 2 posts in 5 days. epic fail), i will have more time to remember how much i need Christ and his unconditional love and to remember to tell him that.
so there it is, internet. i don't have it all together. if i've fooled anyone into thinking i do, i'd like to thank the rx bottle on my nightstand.

lent, y'all

well hello there, internet. it's literally been years. part of me thought this little blog may have disappeared while i was away, but 'tis not the case. the internet really is in it for the long haul.

so, lent is again upon us. as previously mentioned, i suck at lent. more spcifically, i suck at sacrifice. yesterday i decided to try and fast (not something i usually participate in), only because i knew i wasn't going to make it to mass with both children flying solo. by the end of the day, i was incredibly hangry (if you don't know what that means then you need to spend some time on urban dictionary) and basically a miserable, cranky human being. i didn't feel any closer to God and i definitely didn't feel closer to my husband since i kind of wanted to punch him in the face (being hangry is a serious condition).
all this to say that instead of giving something up for lent, i'm doing something. and that something is this blog.
it won't be easy and i'll be as consistent as i can. i didn't post yesterday because i was too hungry to think straight, and while i intended to write a full post tonight, it appears that won't be happening because my baby is already awake and screaming in the other room. yay! at least i had time to finish my ice cream.