Day 2 - This is already hard.

Hello, Day 2. You are already posing a challenge for me. When I said I was going to write everyday, I apparently didn't think about what I would actually write. Now I'm kicking myself for my own high expectations. arg. But, as a person of my word, I'm going to stick to it the best I can. Nobody ever said Lent was easy.

Here's the thing though - God has high expectations for us. Even though he knows we are sinners, he knows we will stumble and fall and fail and he loves us anyway, he also knows we are capable of greatness. He created us in his own image! You and I were created in the image of GOD. And God does not mess around. So often we let fear hold us back from doing the things that God created us to do, from using our talents fully. Think about it. For real... I know you've done it too.

I've spent much of my life being held back by fear. For example, I've never wanted to audition for anything, ever (obviously if I were the auditioning type I would already have made it on America's Next Top Model, right?? I know you were wondering). Anywhoo, HS choir was one of the best experiences of my life, but one that I would have missed had I not been accosted by Mrs. Fletcher, the choir director. I never would have gone in an auditioned on my own. But she forced me to sing for her and the rest just fell into place. I did it! I made it! I ended up singing in the top choir at good 'ol PHS, something I wouldn't have ever thought I could do. To think that I would have missed out on that experience is startling, but I could have easily let myself let it pass me by.

Take college for example: did I keep singing? Nope. You couldn't have paid me to audition for the college choir. Too scary! This girl is no risk taker. To be honest, I didn't even really make very many friends in college. New people = scary!! I had my sister and friends from home at school, and that was all I needed. Hello, comfort zone, nice to see you. Please don't ever leave me! I think you're starting to get the idea, yeah?

I think one of the first times I really went out on a limb and tried something new and "scary" was when I signed up to be on the St. Michael's Confirmation Retreat team in 2007. My little sis (hi little bear!) was getting confirmed that year, and I wanted to help on her retreat. So, I put on my big girl pants and started attending meetings with a bunch of strangers. And guess what? I survived! The strangers were actually kinda nice. I kinda started having fun! Crazy town!! By the time the retreat actually came along, I had a bunch of new friends (I know, it's hard to believe).

And then the retreat changed my life forever. Not only because I met my future husband (that's a whole.other.story), but because I found in myself a new confidence that I never knew I had. A confidence to minister to others, to make a difference, to make connections with new people (scary strangers even!), and most of all, a new confidence in my faith. From that point on I started volunteering for Youth Ministry any chance I could. Even so, I never would have dreamed that I would one day be the actual Youth Minister. Frankly, I still find the idea preposterous. Seriously, what is a girl with a communications degree, a culinary degree, and a fear of strangers doing as a youth minister? If you find out the answer, please let me know.

This brings us back to the fear, to my fears. When this job opened up, I never would have applied on my own. I have no background in theology, I had no actual experience beyond volunteering, and I was working in a kitchen at the time. Those things do not add up to Youth Minister material. But, for some crazy reason, God had confidence in me, and so did my husband. I'm sure that he must have been moved by the Holy Spirit, because although he has confidence in me, I still think he's a little crazy for putting me up to this. Long story short, the hub basically volunteered me for the job, and then God worked his miracles, and here I am. I still don't really know how it happened. And it still scares the crap out of me.

I'm still riddled with fear, everyday. I am constantly doubting myself, constantly wondering if I'm good at my job, if this is what God actually desires for me, if this is really where I belong. Because to be honest, most days I don't feel like I belong here. I feel like a total impostor. But, the one thing that I do know is that I'm here ministering for a reason. For some crazy, crazy reason, God has put me here, and I have to trust in that. I have to remember that he has created me for greatness, and I can't let my fears hold me back from being everything he has created me to be. So, I going to keep fumbling through life, ministry, and soon motherhood (seriously, God help us all), trying to be who God calls me to be. And that means I'm going to keep writing on this crazy blog.

At least until Day 3.