Expansion

First of all, my apologies for the weird font change in yesterday's post. Also, please accept my apology for not going back to fix it, because I don't know how. oops. Man, I'm such a rookie! Someday, I might learn. We'll see. My sis also requested that I add some photos to the blog for a little visual candy, but I don't know how to do that yet either. Sorry sis! It's only day three - we have plenty of time for improvement, right? I don't want to give it all up in the beginning! What would keep you coming back??

This morning we had our staff prayer meeting. I have to say, as awful as it is to admit, I completely dread the Wednesday staff prayer meeting. We use these Small Church Community books and we discuss the Gospel reading for the upcoming Sunday's Mass. It's nice to be able to review the reading ahead of time, but I find the reflections in the books we use kind of lame, and I hate breaking up into partners and sharing my thoughts. Whilst I do like the people I work with, they are all much older than me and the conversations can be very awkward. And I don't like awkward.

Today, we read about the Transfiguration of Jesus. Then, we read the reflection (which was actually kind of good today), and we got to share as a whole group! Thanks be to God! No awkward one on one convo!! It's the small victories, people, ok? Anyway, the reflection talked about having to expand our experience of God. Peter, James and John were up on that mountain with Jesus and were totally freaked out because Jesus was turning a dazzling white and God was speaking to them - you'd probably be freaked out too, right? I would! They were experiencing an expansion of God's greatness and power that they had never seen before, and it forced them to expand their idea of who God is.

We too are called to expand our idea of what and who God is. He is not something that can be kept in a box, or predicted, or figured out. He truly is a beautiful mystery to us. So often we want to try to define him, or use him for our own devices or our own comfort, or pretend that we know what he knows. It is easier to keep God "within the lines" so to speak, right? Visit him on Sunday at Mass, spend a few minutes in prayer with him at bedtime or before meals, read a bit of scripture, but then ignore him when we don't need him, or we haven't scheduled him into our day. I know I do it, and I bet you do too.

One of the other staff members suggested that in order to expand our experience of God, we have to remember that he lives in each and every one of us, and try to recognize him in all people at all times. This is not as easy as it sounds! This idea calls us to be open and accepting of all people - family, friends, strangers (yikes!), enemies, sinners, etc. etc. Did you see God in the person that cut you off while driving to work today? I didn't. I scowled at them. Did you see God in your sister when she borrowed your favorite shirt without asking? (it's a girl thing. ladies, you understand, right?) I'm betting not. (This was definitely the cause of 85% of the fights in our household growing up) Did you see God in the annoying hipster trying to get you to sign his gay marriage proposal? Next time, try.

Try to see God in all people at all times. Don't let yourself focus on the negative and let your judgement of others get in the way of love. Remember how yesterday we talked about being created in the image of God? ALL human beings are created in the image of God, and he lives in them, whether they know it or not. He is knocking on everyone's heart, but some people haven't learned how to listen to him. Instead of judging them, pray for them. Let the love of God that lives in you reach out to them.

If we have the ability to recognize God in all people at all times, I can bet that our lives will become more enjoyable. If you live your life trying to see the good in others, you will feel good, and will probably be more likely to see the good in yourself. So go ahead, expand your experience of God. We may not have been able to witness the Transfiguration, but if we open our eyes, I trust that He will show us some truly amazing things.

Now, let's see if I can put this into practice when I teach my 5th grade CCD class this afternoon. It can be real hard to see God in those little boogers... pray for me!

Day 2 - This is already hard.

Hello, Day 2. You are already posing a challenge for me. When I said I was going to write everyday, I apparently didn't think about what I would actually write. Now I'm kicking myself for my own high expectations. arg. But, as a person of my word, I'm going to stick to it the best I can. Nobody ever said Lent was easy.

Here's the thing though - God has high expectations for us. Even though he knows we are sinners, he knows we will stumble and fall and fail and he loves us anyway, he also knows we are capable of greatness. He created us in his own image! You and I were created in the image of GOD. And God does not mess around. So often we let fear hold us back from doing the things that God created us to do, from using our talents fully. Think about it. For real... I know you've done it too.

I've spent much of my life being held back by fear. For example, I've never wanted to audition for anything, ever (obviously if I were the auditioning type I would already have made it on America's Next Top Model, right?? I know you were wondering). Anywhoo, HS choir was one of the best experiences of my life, but one that I would have missed had I not been accosted by Mrs. Fletcher, the choir director. I never would have gone in an auditioned on my own. But she forced me to sing for her and the rest just fell into place. I did it! I made it! I ended up singing in the top choir at good 'ol PHS, something I wouldn't have ever thought I could do. To think that I would have missed out on that experience is startling, but I could have easily let myself let it pass me by.

Take college for example: did I keep singing? Nope. You couldn't have paid me to audition for the college choir. Too scary! This girl is no risk taker. To be honest, I didn't even really make very many friends in college. New people = scary!! I had my sister and friends from home at school, and that was all I needed. Hello, comfort zone, nice to see you. Please don't ever leave me! I think you're starting to get the idea, yeah?

I think one of the first times I really went out on a limb and tried something new and "scary" was when I signed up to be on the St. Michael's Confirmation Retreat team in 2007. My little sis (hi little bear!) was getting confirmed that year, and I wanted to help on her retreat. So, I put on my big girl pants and started attending meetings with a bunch of strangers. And guess what? I survived! The strangers were actually kinda nice. I kinda started having fun! Crazy town!! By the time the retreat actually came along, I had a bunch of new friends (I know, it's hard to believe).

And then the retreat changed my life forever. Not only because I met my future husband (that's a whole.other.story), but because I found in myself a new confidence that I never knew I had. A confidence to minister to others, to make a difference, to make connections with new people (scary strangers even!), and most of all, a new confidence in my faith. From that point on I started volunteering for Youth Ministry any chance I could. Even so, I never would have dreamed that I would one day be the actual Youth Minister. Frankly, I still find the idea preposterous. Seriously, what is a girl with a communications degree, a culinary degree, and a fear of strangers doing as a youth minister? If you find out the answer, please let me know.

This brings us back to the fear, to my fears. When this job opened up, I never would have applied on my own. I have no background in theology, I had no actual experience beyond volunteering, and I was working in a kitchen at the time. Those things do not add up to Youth Minister material. But, for some crazy reason, God had confidence in me, and so did my husband. I'm sure that he must have been moved by the Holy Spirit, because although he has confidence in me, I still think he's a little crazy for putting me up to this. Long story short, the hub basically volunteered me for the job, and then God worked his miracles, and here I am. I still don't really know how it happened. And it still scares the crap out of me.

I'm still riddled with fear, everyday. I am constantly doubting myself, constantly wondering if I'm good at my job, if this is what God actually desires for me, if this is really where I belong. Because to be honest, most days I don't feel like I belong here. I feel like a total impostor. But, the one thing that I do know is that I'm here ministering for a reason. For some crazy, crazy reason, God has put me here, and I have to trust in that. I have to remember that he has created me for greatness, and I can't let my fears hold me back from being everything he has created me to be. So, I going to keep fumbling through life, ministry, and soon motherhood (seriously, God help us all), trying to be who God calls me to be. And that means I'm going to keep writing on this crazy blog.

At least until Day 3.

The Cray comes out.

Well, here goes. I'm officially trendy. It's very annoying, I'm aware. But alas, I am going to forge onward, and here's why.

As many of you know, the great season of Lent started last Wednesday. And I have to admit, I say "great" with a hint of sarcasm. I've always felt that I've never been very good at Lent. For those of you who may not be familiar with Lent, it is the season of preparation for Easter. It is the time leading up to Christ's passion, death and Resurrection. It is the time when we are called to reflect on the love that Jesus has for us; that he died, a horrible, painful, humiliating death of being nailed to a cross, not because he HAD to, but because he WANTED to. He loves each and every person that much. Amazing, right?

During Lent the Catholic church urges us to engage in prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. These are the things that I always fail to do with the sacrifice, reflection, and passion that I should. This year is no different, and in fact, it's worse. Since the bun in my oven prevents me from having many of the things I love (wine, beer, sushi, diet coke, coffee, etc. etc.); I am feeling even more selfish than usual and am not willing to "give up" anything this year (You'd think that the realization of being selfish would push me to try harder. Not the case - I fully accept the fact that I am a weak, imperfect human being). This is where I fail at fasting. Not to mention, I have NEVER been good at fasting. Do you know the term hangry? Well, I am basically the poster child.

So, I decided that this year I would do something extra for Lent instead of giving something up. I resolved to praying more by way of a morning and evening reflection everyday. I have two little Lenten reflection books that I planned to use. Sadly, planning isn't the same as doing, and here I am, 6 days in to Lent, and I have failed to reflect every.day. so far. Thus, I am also a prayer failure. Awesome.

So, onto almsgiving: voluntary contributions to those who are less fortunate then I, by ways of talent (time) or treasure (money). The fact that I am a youth minister makes this facet a little tricky. First, most of the community service I do, while I enjoy, is part of my ministry, and thus, part of my job, and therefore, I am paid for it. So basically, that doesn't count. Speaking of pay, I don't make much, and with a babe on the way and a house in escrow, I tend to stress out and hold on to my pennies. I can and should do more. And I will try, but for now, I consider myself an almsgiving fail as well. Three for three. At least I'm consistent!!?!

Which brings me to this here blog. As a way of holding myself accountable, I've decided to share my Lenten journey, struggles and successes, with the almighty Internet. This way, I can track my progress, and maybe share some insight with the one or two people (hi husband!) who may actually read this. I'll be posting a reflection everyday, so stay tuned. And if I don't, feel free to call me out on it, so that this year, I can be good at Lent.

"Your words, Lord, are spirit and life" John 6:63b